


Gas On My Hands

by nastylittleghostboy, spookyscaryaliens



Category: BLURRYFACE - Twenty One Pilots (Album), Twenty One Pilots, twentyone pilots
Genre: (because its just implied for now we'll get to the good stuff later), Angst, Bisexual Tyler, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Friends to Lovers, High School AU, Highschool AU, Homophobia, Hurt/Comfort, I'll add more as I go, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Masturbation, Monsters, Non-Graphic Smut, Poetry, Religion, Sad, Suicidal Ideation, emotional strain, frequent description of panic attacks, implied nsfw, in a way i guess, josh is afraid of the dark, long distance, they still form a band, tyler is afraid of his mind, what's not to love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-09
Updated: 2016-08-19
Packaged: 2018-07-13 22:44:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Underage
Chapters: 3
Words: 21,971
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7140797
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nastylittleghostboy/pseuds/nastylittleghostboy, https://archiveofourown.org/users/spookyscaryaliens/pseuds/spookyscaryaliens
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>An empty hole is in my chest<br/>With teary eyes I lay at rest<br/>Head laid down<br/>As I await sorrow to drown<br/>My mind and douse my thoughts<br/>I hear your voice, the joy you have wrought<br/>But it is all a lie<br/>And I will rest here 'till I die<br/>I have no hope without you<br/>This burning cold pain, to me, is not new<br/>I've never gone so long not to see your face<br/>Or hear your voice, my mind begins to erase<br/>All hope that I am worth your love<br/>All hope that I am worth<br/>All hope<br/>-T</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Don't Let Me Be Gone

     “Promise me you’ll text me over the break?” The brunet haired boy mumbled.

     “I’ve got school, remember?”

     “Promise me?” He looked up, his brown eyes filled with a deep seated sorrow.

     “Promise.” Joshua nodded, lacing his pinkie finger with the other boy’s. His phone gave a rasping buzz in his pocket and Josh began backing toward the curb. “I’ve got to go, Ty, my dad’s here. See you!”

     “Bye..” Tyler mumbled and let his hand fall to his side. He watched as the other boy dashed across the grassy boulevard and into the other side of the parking lot, narrowly avoiding getting hit by a car that had just pulled in. The driver honked and Josh threw his arms up as if to say “What’s your problem?” before continuing to where his dad was parked. The boy turned around, a toothy grin plastered across his face, waved, and ducked into the passenger side of the gold ‘94 Pontiac Bonneville.

     And with that, he was gone. The kid he’d grown up with, the one he trusted the most. The only one who knew how much of a mess Tyler had truly become. They went to school together for almost ten years, and now he’s gone. Gone gone gone. Tyler’s mind started racing with worry, thinking of all the things that might happen to Josh at public school. _The school he was going to was infamous for the amount of drug users, the fights that broke out often lead to bloodshed, and the worst part was that Tyler knew Josh would be fine without him. He’d make friends, he’d make lots of new friends. What if he gets into drugs? What if he gets in with the wrong crowd? He’d have new friends who’d pressure him to drink and what if he gets bullied and doesnt tell anyone or doesnt come to me what if he forgets about me what if he forgets I dont want him to forget oh god no what if he doesnt need me anymore he doesnt need me_

_He’ll do just fine without me and it’ll be like I never existed._

     “Tyler?” A girl waved her hand in front of his face. “Helloooo?”

     “Hi, what- sorry I was spaced out?” Tyler looked up at the blonde.

     “I’m about to leave, I wanted to say bye, I hope you have a good summer and I’ll see you next year!” Jenna crushed Tyler into a quick hug before getting into the car with her mom, waving farewell.

     “Bye, Jen..” Everyone was leaving and here he was, standing like an idiot in front of the library waiting for his brother to come pick him up. It wasn’t uncommon for kids to loiter in and around the library after school, but on the last day of eighth grade? Everyone else had been picked up and taken home already! Most the other kids were planning their summer vacations and hoping to go somewhere cool like Cabo San Lucas or the Phillipines, but Tyler was hoping his brother would be hungry and that they’d stop at McDonald’s on their way home. He knew his summer would suck, they always did.

     Always, always, always. Wake up late, stay in bed for at least two hours, eat nothing but junk food, feel bad for yourself, cry, and repeat. It was a living Hell.

     The high pitched honk of his brother’s familiar silver Jeep scared the boy from his thoughts, and he pulled himself up, grabbed his bag, and got in the car to leave.

_Eleven years poorly spent, Saint Mary's. Fuck you._

 

     Summer went exactly as predicted, Hellish. Tyler did approximately nothing the entire two and a half month break, and spent most of it in a vicious cycle of worrying and staying up to meet the sunrise. He worried about Josh the most. The direct messages between them weren’t exactly conversations of sustenance, nor were they much more than:

 **Josh:** heyo       _Sent at 1:16 PM_

 **Tyler:** hey     _Sent at 1:17 PM_

 **Josh:** how ar eyouuu       _Sent at 1:20 PM_

 **Tyler:** dying       _Sent at 1:20 PM_

 **Tyler:** hbu       _Sent at 1:20 PM_

 **Josh:** ah sorry i was doing homework       _Sent at 1:43 PM_

 **Tyler:** its fine dude       _Sent at 1:44 PM_

 **Josh:** FUCK SORRY I FELL ASLEEP     _Sent at 6:23 PM_

 **Tyler:** its fine       _Sent at 6:24 PM_

 **Tyler:** how was school       _Sent at 6:24 PM_

 **Josh:** it was shit and we had to do a presentation in front of both classes i actually wanted to kermit       _Sent at 6:33 PM_

 **Josh:** my group made me talk       _Sent at 6:33 PM_

 **Tyler:** that sucks :/       _Sent at 6:34 PM_

 **Josh:** brb dinner       _Sent at 6:35 PM_

     And from that point on Josh would fall off the face of the planet, not to be seen or heard from again for three days, sending Tyler funny pictures of something that happened at summer school. These conversations were always draining, and they felt horribly, horribly forced. At times, Tyler even felt as if he weren’t even talking to a real person, as if the words on the screen were just generated by an AI Companionship robot that had a factory error in the time management department.

     Though all conversations with Josh weren’t necessarily dry and cookie cutter, most started with a picture of something Josh had drawn on the table at school or an entirely capitalized paragraph yelling about one thing or another. These were times Tyler wasn’t entirely fond of, but it did assure him that his best friend wasn’t six feet under.

 

     It was also in these times that Josh was figuring out where he fit. Certainly not in the first summer school class, with a teacher who singled him out and yelled obscenities. He didn’t even know anyone else in the class, and he sat alone at lunch. The first two days were hard, and when the teen opened up to his mother about it she called the director of summer education and demanded that her son he placed in a different class. Surprisingly, and to Josh’s mortification, it worked - but now he was known as the kid who joined class two days late. This teacher was much nicer, and she made learning about ancient civilizations much cooler because she played videos like Ancient Aliens and gave the class frequent ten minute breaks to go on their phones and wander about. Josh particularly liked learning about the speculations of aliens in ancient societies.

     Although it was rough, summer school wasn’t as much a punishment as it was a way to get ahead in school. Mrs. Dun was more concerned about his “GPA”, but Josh was just happy he’d be able to take three electives instead of two. Now he could take Spanish I, Art Fundamentals, and band. In a way, summer school was fun, and he was able to make a few new friends and get a general feel of the school’s layout before he spent the next four years there.

     The worst part of summer school was the ways Josh himself changed though, and upon late night introspection, he realized this. He would act like the littlest task assigned as homework was a burden, and all he cared to do once he got home was sleep and ignore people. He felt as if texting was bothersome and slow, and he hated himself for how he constantly forgot to respond. Everytime he texted Tyler, he would forget to respond or take upwards of ten minutes to come up with a reply. Though, texting was good for silent conversations under desks in class.

 **Momther:** I’m working the Sunset Fair do u want to bring tyler      _Sent 11:58 AM_

 **Josh:** Yes!!!!!!!!! Ill ask him now!!!       _Sent 11:58 AM_

     Josh opened his last conversation with Tyler, trying to ignore the unanswered question Tyler had sent last time they talked.

 **Josh:** do you want to go to the fair this saturday my mom will drive us and we’ll stay until she’s off work there      _Sent 11:59 AM_

 **Tyler:** yeah ill tell my mom       _Sent 12:00 PM_

     Josh inwardly groaned at the mention of Tyler's mother. She had a distinct dislike for Josh, though at times the feeling was totally mutual. Their exchanges were always brief, but painfully awkward. Joshua relayed Tyler's affirmation to his own mother, and she sent a smiling emoji in response.

     Poorly made plans turned to stone and the Dun Family Minivan was off to the “Community Fun Fair” that weekend. Josh watched Tyler as the other boy answered questions like “Haven’t seen you in a while! How’s your summer?” Tyler fidgeted in his seat, shuffled his sneakers against the floor of the car, and popped each joint in his fingers every few minutes.

 _He’s anxious and he’s lying, he’s not okay._ Josh observed his friend silently, listening to the quiet stutter and his failed attempts at making much sense.

     “Weeee’reee heeeeeere!” Joshua crowed, wrenching against his seatbelt. “I wanna go on the dragon ride, I do, I really, really, do!”

     “Wait, Josh, here’s your money, don’t spend it all on those stupid games. Count your change before you leave and make sure you drink water!” Mrs. Dun called after her son and his friend as the two ran hand in hand.

     “What do you want to go on first?” Josh stood with his hands on his hips and his chin in the air. He looked around confidently, as if he was going to fight someone.

     “What about the bears?” Tyler suggested, shielding his eyes from the sun. “The spinny ones?”

     “Let’s go then!” Josh grabbed the other boy’s hand and started off at a brisk pace. Tyler swung their arms as they walked, his arm just a little too short for Josh to hold comfortably. Josh’s hands were bony and calloused, his nails chewed up and the skin around them had cracked, and they dwarfed Tyler’s in comparison. Tyler’s hands were soft and well taken care of, his knuckles dotted with dimples while Josh’s were marred with open cuts and broken blood vessels.

     “People are staring…” Tyler mumbled and squeezed Josh’s hand a little bit harder. The line for the spinning bear ride wasn’t much longer and the groups before them were almost done.

     “What? They think we’re gay? Good. Fuck them.” Josh snarked, baring his teeth in what he meant to appear menacing, but really just appeared as a lopsided grin.

     “Language, there’re children around.” Tyler chided, sighing and pulling Josh forward past the gate.

     “Which bear?”

     “Red bear!” The taller of the two took the lead, and waited for Tyler to climb up into the bear before clambering in himself. The carney came around to check each bear and the machine began to rotate.

     “Hey, Tyler.”

     “What?” The younger hummed, gripping the table in the middle that controlled their rotation.

     “Are you ready to get fuckin’ lifted.”

     “Josh, no-”

     The teenager, a devilish grin plastered on his face, grabbed the opposite edge of the table and whipped it around, forcing the probably 15 year old machine to spin in a grinding circle.

     “Jesus fuck, Josh!” Tyler wailed, giggling as he was plastered against the wall. The other teen continued to force the machine into rapid rotation, laughing like a hyena. When the entire ride slowed to a stop, the pair stumbled out of their bear, unable to see straight and tripping over their own feet.

     “What next?” Tyler wheezed, holding Josh’s hand again.

     “What about a game? I want to win you something.” Josh suggested, running his thumb over the back of Tyler’s hand. “It’ll be like in the movies! I’ll be your hot, chivalrous boyfriend and win you a stuffed animal.”

     Tyler slapped a hand over his face and let Josh pull him along the rows of carnival games. Part of him felt like at least every single person working had been to jail at least once.

     “Why do they all look like ex-convicts?” Josh hissed in Tyler’s ear, pretending to be more interested in the funnel cake cart than the seedy looking carneys shooting them daggers.

     “I was just thinking that.” Tyler whispered, gazing past the man who looked like he was the poster child of Heroin Anonymous. “What about that game, they give out stuffed animals?”

     “I’m gonna win you a big one.” Josh declared, slamming a fiver down on the vaguely sticky counter. “I’d like to buy a game, my good dude.”

     The man shot Josh a dirty look, taking the five and setting three grimy looking baseballs down in front of him.

     "F’ye c’n hit at least two stacks on t’shelf y’git tha stuff’t animal next ta it.” The man growled, leaning against the counter.

     Josh threw one ball, and missed. He threw the second, and clipped the top bottle off a stack on the second shelf. He threw the third, and it bounced off the shelf.

     “Dammit! Give me two more!” Josh put ten dollars down.

     “Josh, y-you don’t have to waste your money…”

     “I’m winning you a stuffed animal, Ty!” The man set the bottles up again and handed the teenager six baseballs.

     The first was a miss. The second was a direct hit, but one bottle remained standing.

     “That counts right? That’s gotta count!” Josh cheered. He had no aim, sure, but he was going to try his damnedest to win Tyler a stuffed animal.

     “Kid, y’hafta t’knock down all’a th’bottles.”

     Josh growled and threw the third ball, taking all three bottles out on the top shelf. He hissed a “yes!” and threw another ball up at the stack next to it. It knocked over all but one bottle, and Josh let out a frustrated shout.

     “Make daddy proud.” Josh whispered to the baseball, and threw it up at the last bottle, knocking it down with a triumphant “BUH BOOM!”

     Tyler heaved an adoring sigh as Josh turned to face him, a wide grin on his face.

     “Which one do you want?"

     “I want the pig, I- I’m gonna name him Clint.” Tyler mumbled.

     The man behind the counter opened a large wooden chest and pulled out a disproportional excuse for a pig, and handed it to the boy. Tyler took the cheaply made toy and squeezed it gently, pressing his face into the stubbly, minky fur.

     “I love him.” Tyler had a small smile on his face, his bracketed teeth pinching at his bottom lip.

     “C’mon let’s get something to drink.” Josh suggested, jerking his head toward a lemonade cart. “I’ll buy-”

     “Josh, you just spent fifteen dollars on a game, let me buy it.” Tyler fished into his pocket, pulling out a small women’s coin purse.

     “‘re the hell’d you get that?” Josh teased, flicking the silver chain on the end.

     “My mom gave it to me,” Tyler shrugged and unzipped the pouch, carding through the bills and retrieving a five. “Use this.”

     “No, I’m not taking your damn money, put it back.” The dark haired boy scrunched up his nose and hurried into line.

     “Put it back, I’m buying you a funnel cake and a lemonade, shut up.”

     Tyler heaved a sigh, rolled his eyes, and put the money back. He joined his friend where he now stood on his tip toes, trying to see into the cart.

     “Can I get a lemonade and a plain funnel cake?” Josh slid the money under the window, dropping back down to his heels. The woman in the cart handed him a large cup of lemonade and told him it would be a minute until his cake was done.

     “Thanks,” Josh offered the other boy the first sip of lemonade. Tyler took the heavy yellow cup and tried it. Though it was fresh squeezed (nothing but lemons and water), it was surprisingly sweet. He handed the cup back to his friend, who stood with the straw pressed to his lips. He watched Josh bite at the rim of the straw, worrying the green plastic until it faded to white. His pink lips shone in the light, wetted with the sugary drink and Tyler wished he could just-

_Wait._

     Josh’s excited yelp ripped Tyler from his… _thoughts._ The older boy returned with a funnel cake. “Let’s find somewhere to sit.”

     The pair found a stack of empty milk crates behind the food cart; out of the sun where they could sit down for a while. Tyler rolled a milk crate over so the opening was pressed to the ground, and sat down with the stuffed pig in his lap. Josh set the grease stained paper plate down on the crate between them and pulled a strip of the powdery cake off. Tyler took a clump of the golden brown tendrils, carefully pulling them apart before eating them one by one.

     “Like it?” Josh hummed, silently observing the other boy. They’d been friends since preschool, and though they hit some rocky waters along the way, here they were almost 11 years later, sharing a funnel cake at a dingy carnival.

     “I’ve had them before,” Tyler murmured and leaned his head back on the metal wall of the trailer. Josh hummed and helped himself to another sugary tear off the cake.

     “Wanna go back to my mom’s trailer? It’s air conditioned. We can eat in there.” Tyler nodded and tucked his pig under one arm and grabbed the lemonade. The other teen took the greasy plate in one hand, and his friend’s hand in his other. They made their way back to the ticket booth and let themselves in the little door in the back.

     “Mom, we’re in here.” Josh announced, flopping down in the small booth in the back. Tyler set his things on the table and sat opposite of Josh.

     “You two having fun?” Mrs. Dun peeked into the back, looking at the two sweaty teenagers. “Y’know, Joshie, you really should be drinking water, you’re-”

     “I know I’m gonna get heatstroke and die I get it.” He sighed, rolling his eyes into the back of his head. His mother gave him a sassy face before asking Tyler how he was enjoying the carnival.

     “It’s a lot- it’s a lot of fun.” Tyler nodded, hastily trying to clear his mouth of funnel cake with a swig of lemonade. “Josh won me a pig.”

     The other boy looked to the side at the mention of his name, raising one eyebrow.

     “And how much did you waste trying to win that, Josh?”

     “Fifteen dollars.” Josh muttered and tore off a large clump of the doughy cake. He opened his mouth so wide his jaw cracked and put the entire fistful of cake in his mouth. One of the ticket ladies in the front of the trailer laughed cattily, and Mrs. Dun just sighed. The teenager stretched, wiped the sweat off his face with his shirt, and continued to gnosh on the sugary dietary nightmare.

     “You’re like a wild animal.” Tyler murmured in horror, taking a reasonably sized piece of funnel cake.

     “Thank you.” Josh teased, pushing against the table and the wall to pull himself up out of his seat. He wandered up into the front of the tiny trailer, scanning the counter for nothing in particular. There were three ladies he didn’t recognize and his mother.

     “Josh, this is Rachel, Mary, and Jeanie from work.” Mrs. Dun introduced him to them, though he hadn’t been paying attention.

     “Oh, my he’s so big now! I remember when you were just a little kid!” Rachel cooed, mussing up Josh’s almost black hair.

     “They grow up so fast,” Mrs. Dun murmured affectionately, swatting Josh’s hand away from the cash drawer.

     “I need more money so I can win ten goldfish like last time!”

     With that, they were kicked out of the trailer.

 

     “Where’s the rest of the straps? Isn’t there something else?” Josh couldn’t help his right leg from shaking at this point. The entire base of the machine felt like it was shaking. This could not be safe.

     “Nope, this is all you need. Just avoid moving around too much.” The carney pushed on a lever and the wheel began to grind into motion. It locked and the next couple got on, and so on and so forth.

     “These things are safe right? They don’t go fast?” The mocha eyed boy gripped the bar across his lap so hard his knuckles faded white. “It’s not gonna flip us out?”

     “You’ll be fine. This is like the safest ride here.” Tyler assured as they began their ascent.

     “Holy _shit_!” Josh hissed, his voice cracking in panic. The wheel was going a lot faster than it looks in the movies. “ _Holy shit, holy shit, holy shit!_ ”

     Tyler leaned back and brought their basket with him, making the other boy screech and cling to whatever was bolted down. The ground was so far away, the entire earth looked like it was curving. _I could jump, I could jump, I could jump, I could jump, I could jump. It wouldn’t be hard. It’d be so easy. So easy. Just fling yourself down and into the gears and you’re a goner, kid. Jump. Jump. Jump. **Jump. Jump. Jump. JUMP.**_

     “Ohhhh, noo! Jishwa, Jishwa, we’re gonna fall! Wooah, noooo!” Tyler teased, rocking their cart back and forth. Joshua gritted his teeth and sucked heavy breaths, his feet firmly planted against the tread tape on the foot rest.

     “I wanna get off, I wanna get off,” He whined, tucking his head into his chest and against his knees.           “I don’t wanna- holy fuck!”

     The entire cart lurched forward, and Josh faced the churning gears of the machine’s base. The engine revolved and for a moment, Josh saw nothing but gnashing teeth looking to eat him whole. The wheel whipped the pair back into the sky, and there they stopped.

     “Woahhh, Jishwa, we’re a’shakin’!” Tyler teased, rocking the cart again. He had his phone out and pointed toward the other boy. Josh buried his face against his whitened fists, the entoptic phenomena that lit up the dark was more welcome than the roaring gears of the ride.

     “Please make it stop, make it stop, make it stop, make it stop.” Joshua whined, sinking his teeth into the skin of his arm. He shuddered as the machine jerked and brought them closer to the bottom. It was like a clock ticking backwards, and their cart was the hour hand, taking an eternity to reach six o’clock.

     As soon as they did, though, Josh was pulling his legs up out from under the bar before the carney had even unlocked it. In what felt like three bounding steps, Josh was untangled from the machine’s horrible clutches and down the stairs. A few children gave him confused looks, but Josh was too shaken to do anything about it. The boy’s espresso dark eyes were trained intently on his friend who cautiously stepped off the seat and down the steps. His heart was pounding in his ears, and he felt like his entire body was submerged in not water, but something thicker. His ears roared with the sound of his blood flow, like deep static on an old radio station.

     “Josh?” Tyler’s brows were furrowed, a small crease between them. “You okay?”

     “‘M fine. Heights.” He brushed it off, shrugging. It wasn’t a total lie. He was afraid of heights, but he was more afraid of not being able to stop himself.

     Tyler nodded, handing Josh his phone. “You left your phone in the seat.”

_Yeah, and your fucking chance. Should’ve jumped._

     “Oh, thanks, bro.” Josh took the black smartphone, clicking it on.

 **New message from Momther:** Come get the keys, wait for me in the car. You can turn the air on. _Sent 2:16 PM_

 _Sh_ _ould’ve jumped._

     “My mom says to come get the keys, it’s time to go.” Josh flipped his phone over, tapped the off button and slipped it into his pocket all in one go. He walked like a living corpse over to the ticket booth, retrieved the keys, and dragged himself over to the grassy lot where cars were parked. He searched the backs of the cars for his mom’s “Ready for Hillary” bumper sticker.

     “In you go.” Josh yawned, nudging Tyler ahead of himself as the back door to the car slid open. Tyler ducked into the navy blue van and flopped into the back seat. Josh shut the car door behind himself, plunged the key fob into the ignition, and wrenched it into accessories; sparking the engine to life and firing up the radio. Josh punched the radio off and moved backwards in the car to sit beside his best friend.

     “I had fun with you today. We need to hang out more.” Josh mumbled, bumping Tyler’s knee with his.

     “Yeah? I had fun, too. I’d- I’d never been to a carnival before.” The brunet boy admitted, and laughed at himself quietly.

     “You what?!” Josh all but screamed, shooting up in his seat so fast he hit his head on the ceiling.

     “I’ve just, never been.” Tyler shrugged. “It was fun though.”

     “You’re coming with me next year, too, so clear your calendar.”

_**Should’ve jumped.** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> figured I would start this emotional roadshow off with something a little more upbeat than what's to come, so enjoy :3
> 
> (all of this is based off true events, aside from the whole relationship part)


	2. I Hope I'm Not My Only Friend

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a forewarning in case this confuses anyone, but to make it fit our own familial situations better, spookyscaryaliens and I have decided to swap the ages of the siblings. For instance, Zack is older than Tyler, and instead of the oldest, Josh is the middle child. Jordan and Abigail are older than Josh here, and Ashley is younger than him. Also: Jordan is married here, and he's given a fictional wife and son. 
> 
> Again, this is all based on personal experiences between spooky and I. Enjoy!

    “Rachel asked if you were gay.” Mrs. Dun said offhandedly, running the dish cloth over the counter.

    Joshua snorted, choking on his Pepsi as he fought not to laugh. “That’s amazing.”

    His mom fell silent, a guarded expression on her face. Josh searched her face for asymmetry, any sign of disdain or frustration would mean he needed to dial it back with the “gay=okay” thing. He pressed his lips to the edge of his glass, bared his teeth, and proceeded to rut his canine and premolars against the smooth edge. He enjoyed the clinking sound it made, as well as how the glass vibrated when his teeth collided - it was something he could feel deep into the roots of his teeth and-

    “Joshie, stop doing that, you’re gonna bruise your teeth.” Mrs. Dun flicked water at her son, startling him.“Did you do your homework yet?”

    “Yeah.” It was a lie, he didn’t do it. Why do it if the teacher wasn’t going to collect it? She never collected it.

    “Alright, why don’t you feed the cat then get ready for bed, I’m dropping you off early tomorrow, remember?” She called as she walked into the other room, sighing as she finally got the chance to sit down. Josh rolled his eyes and told her that yes, he remembers.

    He popped the lid on the container of cat chow and filled the silver bowl to the brim, smushing it down with his hand so it stayed. The cat, very fond of the sound of her food meeting the bowl, had hurried over to Josh’s side, meowing.  
  
    “It’s the puffy rodent!” Josh’s dad mused as he walked into the kitchen.

    “She’s not a puffy rodent, she’s my baby.” Josh defended the feline, running his hand from her ears to her tail.

     “She’s a big rodent.” Mr. Dun continued to tease him as he set his coffee maker for the morning.

    “She’s my babby!” Josh protested, lifting the obese calico into his arms.  “We’re going to bed.”

    With that, he left the room to go upstairs. The upper level of the house was only bedrooms, and of all of them Josh’s was the smallest. The walls were a warm gray, they were mostly covered in posters, drawings, magazine clippings, and things he wrote himself. His twin size bed was so old the mattress sagged in the middle, but it made it so much more comfortable. The headboard was decorated with stickers and the shelves were full of books, CDs, and movies. A net of twinkle lights hung from the ceiling, they were the only source of light in the room. Josh had stapled an old blanket in the window frame years ago, it was an impulsive decision made in an attempt to alleviate a migraine and he never took it down.

     It was small, and it wasn’t the coolest, but it was comfortable and it was his. He dumped his cat on the bed, shut the door, and started undressing. He unplugged the lights and quickly clambered into bed. Joshua yanked the blankets over himself and faced the wall, hiding from the dark.

    It was his room, but in the dark it was Hell.

    But Josh is fifteen, and he’s too old to be afraid of the dark.

    He’s really not.

     He’s afraid of what lies in it.

     Josh buried his head against his pillow, trying to shut out the silent roar of the shadows. The silence of the room was suffocating, and he hated the way he could _feel_ something watching him. Sometimes in the dark, if he dared to open his eyes, he believed he could see the shadows moving, growing darker, breathing. They scared him.

    He pressed the heels of his hands into his eyes, watching the entoptic images that spiraled out of the pain bringing him an obscure kind of relief. He ran his hands over his face, dug his nails in behind his ears, pushed on his own throat, and ran his nails over the bones in his chest.

  _God, how could you fuck up that bad? You all but abandoned the only one who gave a shit about you all through middle school. He saved your fucking excuse of a life, why treat him like that? Just abandon him? Isn’t that what you’re afraid of?_ **_Terrified_ ** _of? Your ass is lucky people don’t start abandoning you._

  _Look at you. Ruining the only thing you care about. He probably hates you, you know that, right?_

  _You can’t make amends_

_You’re not gonna be able to fix it_

_It’d be so easy to give up_

_Let it go_

_Let it go_

_Let it go_

_He doesn’t need you_

_Don’t even try_

_Good fucking luck_

_Say goodbye_

      “Shut up, shut up, shut up!” Josh hissed, pressing his hands into his temples. His nails dug into his scalp. “Stop. He needs me. He needs me. I need him. I need him. I- I- I- I don’t want to lose him.”

      “You’re lying. _You’re lying_. I’m not going to give up on him, I need him too much.”

_How in the fuck do you think you’re gonna do that?_

      Josh hated to admit it, but he didn’t know.

 

* * *

 

     “Hi, dad.” Tyler murmured as he walked inside, kicking his shoes onto the mat with the rest.

      “Hey, Ty.” He said, almost robotically, without looking up. “Have fun at the fair?”

     “Yeah.” The brown haired boy replied, shuffling down the hall toward the staircase. He dragged himself up the stairs and into his own bedroom, unchanged since he was a little kid. The walls were a pale green, decorated sparsely with various posters and a few drawings from Josh. The bed was nothing fancy, the furniture was the same from his childhood, and it was all...wrong.

     The floor was invisible, covered in mounds and piles of anything and everything. It bothered him incessantly. Most of the things in his room weren’t even his, it had just become the family dumping ground. Tyler hated it.

      “Oh, God.” He fell shakily to his knees. He buried his face in the quilt that hung over the foot of his bed and moaned, his face contorting into something he knew wasn’t pretty. His entire body shook with his sobs. He fumbled through his sobs for words, attempting to form a prayer. The words that were once easy for him to speak now seemed foreign and clumsy.

      "You... I need your help.” The teen let out a shuddering breath. “I know I always ask for it but I need your help. I just... I can't lose him. I can't lose Josh. He's all I have left, he's the only thing I'm holding on to…”

      “I've asked for help with this before and you've never done anything.” Tyler started again, knotting his fingers in the old blanket.  “Everyone, my teachers, my mom, my brother, they keep telling me you work in 'mysterious ways'... and- and I'm starting to think you don't work.. At all. ‘C-cause maybe... Maybe you're not even real. Maybe you're just- you’re just- just a lie we- we use to comfort ourselves at the thought of our eventual deaths…”

     Tyler pressed his face into his hands, sucked in a disgusting breath through his running nose, and staggered to his feet.  “I'm done. I- I can't do this anymore."

     He collapsed helplessly into his bed, the guttural screech he released into his pillow sounding terribly otherwordly. _I miss him so much, I need him back. I need him I need him I need him god I do._

  _What if he hates me? He must think I’ve been ignoring him, that’s why he never responds to his texts. What if next time he sees me he just tells me to piss off and that’s it? What if he never wants to see me again? He hates me, he hates me, he hates me he hates me he hates me he hates me_

  _what if he pities me and only hangs out with me cause he knows I don't have any other friends and what if he doesnt like talking to me at all and what if he’s bored with me it felt like everyone else was so why wouldnt he be hes got so many friends and he doesnt need me_

  _hes got so many other friends that are better so why doesnt he just move on_

      Tyler smothered his sobs into his pillow, digging his fingers into his scalp and dragging. He sucked in a breath through gritted teeth and stifled another scream, forcing his face back into the sweaty pillow. “I need him, I need- I need him, I-”

      The images of Josh panicking on the Ferris wheel from that afternoon flashed through his mind. His friend was terrified, paralyzed with fear in the rickety metal seat. “It’s all my fault.”

_I did this, I’m the reason he hates me. I teased him about his fears and laughed while he panicked this is why he hates me its all my fault its all my fault its all my fault its all my goddamn fault_

      “It’s all my fault,” Tyler whispered, his voice a hollow rasp. His shaking, cold hands dove up his shirt and clutched at his sides, his nails scratching into the skin with absurd fervor as he heaved for breath. “All my fault. All my fault. All my fault.”

      After lying with his fingers dug into his sides for what felt like a lifetime, Tyler mustered up what energy he could and sat up, pulling off his t-shirt and wiggling his shorts down. He groped around for his phone and pulled it from the discarded clothes. He plunged the jelly ended earbuds into his ears and took a moment. They were strangely cool against his heated skin, and figured the feeling wasn’t entirely unpleasant while he opened YouTube. The _Watch it again_ list had the song he was looking for at the top.

     “S’stupid.” Tyler hissed at himself, tapping the song selection and falling back against his bed in defeated exhaustion. The familiar piano intro and steady voice of the singer were a comfort that made him feel a little bit better. “Stay” by Mayday Parade was his favorite for times like this.

  _It’ll be okay, right? That’s what Josh always says, right? I’m just being stupid, aren’t I? I’m making a big deal out of nothing. People lose friends all the time, this is normal! So why am I so messed up about it? Huh, says a lot. I should be fine, I should be fine, I should be happy, I need to be fine, I need to be happy, I’m not fine_

  _I am_

  _Im not_

_I am I am I am I am I am_

  _I’m fine._

  _He doesn’t want me and that’s fine, he’ll get lots of new friends who’ll be much more stable than me. He won’t have to put up with me anymore and that’s good for him - I should be happy. I can move on, that’s fine. I’ve done it before so why is it so hard this time I cant I cant I cant I cant_

  _He doesn’t need me anymore, nobody does, so it wouldn’t make a difference to anyone if I just disappeared and that’s fine, that’s fine. I’m fine. I’ll be okay. He doesn’t need me and that’s fine, nobody needs me, I guess that’s fine. Even better. That’s great. Now I can’t disappoint anyone._

  _I wonder if he’ll just abandon me, or if he’ll tell me he hates me. Finish me off and tell me everything I hate about myself._

  _He can’t, oh God don’t let him. Please, I still need him. I need him more than I need oxygen. I can’t do this without him, please. He probably thinks I don’t care about him. Why am I so ungrateful? I should’ve told him I need him, I wanted to… Why didn’t I? I need him, I need him, I need him, I really really do._

     YouTube drew the song to a close, and AutoPlay started the next one. “Bullet” by Hollywood Undead started dancing through his head. The thought of death didn’t seem so bad, nor did it seem so far.

_I could do it. The roof is pretty high. Dad's pills are just in the kitchen. The scissors are somewhere here. Wouldn’t be too bad to watch everything pour out. I’ve heard it’s fairly pretty._

  _What if he does care, and I die on him what if he feels the same way, what if I abandon him and he hates me because of it-_

  _Stupid! He doesn’t care, I’m just a burden. He’s better off without me, he won’t even have second thoughts about me. He’s better off without me, it’s a fact. Everyone is. They’d all be happier without me. All I do is cause problems._

_Which would be less painful? Better yet, which would be quicker? Not like I even deserve to die quickly, considering how much pain I put other people through._

  _im scared im scared oh god im terrified i dont want to die but i_ **_deserve_ ** _this_

  _What even comes after? I wonder if they’d bury me in my Confirmation suit. Gotta look nice to see God. Not like He cares anyway. How can something care if it doesn’t exist? I wonder if you can overdose on allergy pills… Pseudoephedrine is used in methamphetamine, I wonder if three pills would do it. Rupture a hole in my stomach so I bleed from the inside out. How many 300mg aspirin pills would it take? Probably the whole bottle. Not like I’d even need them after it’s done._

  _How sad, teenage boy loses everything that made him happy. Sounds like a Hallmark movie._

**New message from Jishwa:** hey do you want to come to my family’s cabin with me next weekend we’d probably be spending the night       _Sent 7:18 AM_

 

      Tyler squinted at the screen; he read the message over and over again. _He….wants to see me?_

  **Tyler:** let me ask my mom, but sure bro       _Sent 11:42 AM_

      “I feel like crap.” Tyler groaned to himself, stretching. “I need to shower.”

      To his surprise, Josh responded immediately.

  **Jishwa:** ok cool is it okay if you ride up with my mom and sister bc im gonna go up at the ass crack of dawn with my dad to get everything set up and cleaned nobodys been up there in a while       _Sent 11:43 AM_

  **Tyler:** yeah thats fine what should i bring       _Sent 11:43 AM_

  **Jishwa:** like ur swimsuit and stuff like that a towel and bathroom stuff and clothes and whatever else you want to bring also do you want to go tubing its really fun when my dad drives the boat       _Sent 11:45 AM_

  **Tyler:** yeah okay ill tell my mom see what she says - would your mom pick me up       _Sent 11:45 AM_

  **Jishwa:** yeah on their way there        _Sent 11:45 AM_

  **Jishwa:** gtg doing a group project        _Sent 11:46 AM_

      Tyler clicked off his phone, tossing it to the side. He was so emotionally drained, he felt like someone had put a vacuum in his chest and sucked out his soul. He buried his head in his pillow and sighed heavily. His arms felt weak and weightless as he searched for the torn up composition notebook he wrote in whenever he was feeling like this. He had meant to write last night, but he was so worked up he ended up passing out.  
  
     Most the things he wrote were poems, but sometimes he’d repeat lines and add stanzas until it looked more like a song than any kind of sonnet he’d ever read. Those were his favorite, he was proud of them. Others were brief and short, to the point. When he wrote, the only time he stopped was when he passed out from exhaustion, his hand cramped until he couldn’t hold the pencil, or when he (and this was rare) ran out of words. He wrote with Josh in mind.

      When they graduated eighth grade, his parents told him he and Josh were going to drift apart. At first, he denied them, told them that they were too close for that, but now? he wasn’t sure. He was, however, positive that Josh was getting tired of him.

      He pushed the tip of the pen into the paper so hard it was leaving creases and dents in the paper, his small and indecipherable handwriting trailing down the page. The words that spilled out were a wide array of colors,

  _Why am I like this? I hurt everyone I care about._

 

* * *

 

     The next week passed quickly for Josh, each day following a certain pattern. Go to school, carpool home with his friend, fall asleep somewhere at his friend’s house, and get picked up at five a groggy, sleepy mess. He’d known this friend his whole life, and though there was a year’s age difference between them, they were close. His name was Jake, and he’d gone to the same middle school as Josh and Tyler.  
  
     However, as the weeks went on, Josh felt himself distancing himself from Jake. He’d just, spent too much time around the other teen. It was tiring. Often times he wouldn’t even speak to the other boy.

     Saturday morning, he woke up to his nephew tackling him in bed. He yelped as the four year-old made contact with his stomach, making Josh curl in on himself.

      “Dosh! Doshwa!” His sister’s son squealed, bouncing on the bed. “We go’a go!”

      Josh sat up and ruffled the boy’s hair before hugging him. “What’s up, little man?”

      “Jishwa!” His older brother peeked into his bedroom. “C’mon, we’re going up first. You’re gonna ride with Nicole and I.”

     “Is B-Bo coming, too?” Josh heaved the toddler up against his chest and bounced him until he was comfortably rested against the teen’s hip.

     “Yeah, his car seat won’t fit in dad’s car. C’mon, get up, we’ve gotta go.”

      Josh groaned and set the child down, going to his closet and searching through the pull-out drawers for a his black cargo shorts. He liked how deep the pockets were, and that he would wade around in the water and fill his pockets up with cool rocks. He slipped on the shorts and a plain red t-shirt before thundering down the stairs into the living room. He grabbed his backpack off the floor from by the door and slipped on his comfortable old Vans, watching the four year old as he struggled with his the velcro latches on his shoes.

      Josh helped load the car with all the food they were going to bring up, as well as folding chairs and a cooler before they set off on the two hour journey from Columbus to Cleveland. Josh spent most the car ride with his headphones in, ignoring Josh and Nicole’s bickering over something from last night. They always fought, even in front of Bailey, their son. He hoped this wouldn’t carry on to the cabin, ‘because that would suck. Part of Josh wondered if the cabin still looked the same way it did last time he was there.

      The cabin was on the southern edge of Lake Erie, and it was easily over 100 years old. It was originally built by Joshua’s great-great grandfather, but since then it’d been added to. It was extremely quaint, but it was cute. The kitchen had a lighthouse theme; the living room had a taxidermy Northern muskie, two racks of antlers, and wooden animal carvings on the walls, and shelves of old books; there were two bedrooms, a bed on the back porch, and a bed on the front porch, as well as a pullout couch; and an excellent view.  Where their cabin was positioned on the lake, it was protected from the large swells and waves and the water was fairly calm. The water was incredibly clean and water sports were popular in the area.

      Jordan switched lanes to avoid a stalled car, jerking the wheel a little too hard for Josh’s comfort.

  _What if someone crashes into you? Just out of pure malice?_

      Josh pressed the volume button on his phone twice, in a futile attempt to drown out the thoughts.

  _It’d probably kill all of you. What would you do if someone crashed into your door directly? It’d probably kill Bailey too, oh but you’d be too busy trying to save yourself to help him, that’s right. You’re selfish. Too scared to die. You’re going to kick it one day, kid, why wait? Jump up there and pull that steering wheel. Right into oncoming traffic._

  _That semi looks like it’s going pretty fast, good chance nobody would survive. Nobody would know you killed your brother’s family. His wife. Your sister-in-law. Their son. Your nephew. Nobody would know. If there was a survivor, think anyone would weep for you? Sure, mom might, but who else? Knowing you’re a disgusting killer. Fucking do it, what’s there to lose? Think they really care about you? Doubt it. You’re with Jordan and Nicole cause not even dad could stand to have to tote your ass around._

      Josh shook his head, shoving the heel of his hand into his eyes and pressing. Hot tears wetted his palms, making his hands stick to his his face. _stop stop stop stop stop stop stop please_

      He dragged his hands down his face, pulling on the skin. He let out a shuddering breath. He wouldn’t do that. He’s wasn’t like that. He’s not. He doesn’t want these people to die. He cared about them, he really did. Jordan was the only one of his siblings who didn’t get on his nerves after a while, and Nicole was really nice. She took him to a concert before, Josh liked her. And Josh loved Bailey, they were best buddies. Even though Bailey was four, he told Josh once that Josh was his only friend and that he really liked spending time with him. He could never do that to them.

     He wiped his face in his shirt, running his hands through his hair before shaking his head again in an attempt to clear his thoughts. He’s not like that.

      Though they arrived two hours earlier than everyone else, Josh was fine with that. Standing lakeside was therapeutic, and laying on the dock looking into the water was something Josh could do for hours. Upon arriving, he had noticed the paddle boat needed cleaning, so he busied himself with that while everyone else dragged the lawn chairs out of the basement.

     He was halfway done with the boat when his mom, his younger sister, and Tyler arrived. And after Tyler initially scolded him for standing on the edge of the boat life so precariously, Josh launched himself over the boat, sprinted up the pier, and tackled his best friend. One arm went around Tyler’s shoulders like a vice and the other locked like a cage around the other boy’s head, holding him closer. He buried his face in Tyler’s neck, hiding his stupidly wide grin against the other boy’s tanned skin.  
  
     “Hey,” Tyler chuckled, patting Josh’s back awkwardly.

      Josh refused to let go, even when Tyler’s grip loosened, the older boy refused to let go. In his chest, he could feel the other boy’s heartbeat. Under his hands, he could feel his body expand and contract with each breath, the cotton of his shirt, and the soft stubble of Tyler’s hair as his hand slipped up the teen’s neck. He could see the gentle curve of Tyler’s back as he rocked the pair back and forth. He felt Tyler’s arms slip down around his waist, holding him close by the small of his back. He could smell the detergent on his clothes, the product in his hair, and he smelled like something achingly familiar. He smelled like home.

      “I missed you.” Joshua whispered, nuzzling his face under the other teen’s jaw and onto his other shoulder.

     Tyler let out a shaky sigh. “I missed you, too.”

      “Okay, so you’re just gonna want to hold on really, really tight. Okay?” Josh instructed Ashley, perched on the edge of the stern, one hand twisted in the nylon handle of the intertube. When she nodded, he pushed the float away from the engine and kicked it even further. Mr. Dun let the boat crawl forward, and once the rope was straightened out, he roared the engine to life and the hull of the boat climb out of the water as he tore forward. 

     “I love it here.” Josh mumbled just loud enough for Tyler to hear. After the other teen had gotten over his initial fear of the water, he had been on the tube until his arms couldn’t hold on anymore and he was cramping. Tyler was sitting wrapped up in his towel, his entire body still covered in sparkling water droplets. His hair was already starting to dry, sticking up in an odd combination of wet curls and drying tufts. It looked so boyish and handsome Josh couldn’t help the groan that escaped his lips. His eyes traveled down from Tyler’s grinning face to his chest and stomach, hardened from years of basketball. His entire body had an even, olive toned glow, though his cheeks and shoulders were beginning to turn a darker shade in the sun. Josh bit his lip, watching Tyler laugh with his hair whipping in the wind. He was so handsome. But Josh wasn’t gay…

      Was he?

 

     Tyler couldn’t stop himself from asking the other teen he was looking at. “What’s wrong?”

      Joshua’s face flushed pink. _God, that’s adorable._ “N-nothing!”

 

      Tyler brushed it off, watching Josh as he pointedly made sure that his sister didn’t fall off the float. He had only been in the water once, and he was careful to not fall in, but somehow Josh’s dark hair was shiny and his skin was freckled with water. He wasn’t wearing a towel, and his sleeveless shirt didn’t do much to keep him warm against the howling wind. Tyler could see the goosebumps covering his torso as the blush crept from his face to his chest, and down his stomach. _Why’s he blushing so much?_

 

* * *

 

     “Ty…. Ty..” Josh murmured, sighing heavily into his blanket.

      “What, Josh?” Tyler looked passed his phone to the boy resting next to him.

      “I… I had a dream,” Josh giggled.

      Tyler pulled out his phone, opening the audio recorder. This was gonna be good.

  **Tyler:** Ok, ok so we were in the Centegra building  
****

**Josh:** yEAH  
****

**Tyler:** And there were clam people  
****

**Josh:** *distant wheezing*  
****

**Tyler:** And you were the clam people  
****

**Josh:** *laughing* No we're we were the clam people  
****

**Tyler:** You're the clam people, ok  
****

**Josh:** *laughing* and we got and he started going off  
****

**Tyler:** The tour guide started going off about clams  
****

**Josh:** And being really racist  
****

**Tyler:** And being really racist about clam people?  
****

**Josh:** Being really clam racist  
****

**Tyler:** He was being really clam racist, ok but he didn't know that you were clam people?

**Josh:** *laughing* n-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o  
****

**Tyler:** Aand? The clams? were growing in milk crates in the pool?  
****

**Josh:** *laughing louder*  ye-e-e-a-a-a-ah-h-h-h-h  
****

**Tyler:** There was pools, in the centegra building?  
****

**Josh:** Aherousahe-e-e-e-ee  
****

**Tyler:** What?  
****

**Josh:** They're outsiiide-e-e  
****

**Tyler:** The whole side?  
****

**Josh:** Theyre out SIIIIIDE -!!- whayerueeeeeee!!! They're in pools they’re outside  
****

**Tyler:** The pools were outside?  
****

**Josh:** Yeah  
****

**Tyler:** The pools okay the pools were outside, the outside pools  
****

**Josh:** *high pitched* yeh and we were there  
****

**Tyler:** Okay you were there  
****

**Josh:** And we were on a tour  
****

**Tyler:** You were on a tour, yeah, yeah  
****

**Josh:** *sounding rather upset* And...  
****

**Tyler:** Clamcist.  
****

**Josh:** *sounds upset* They were so racist....  
****

**Tyler:** Very clamcist.  
****

**Josh:** *quietly* Yeah  
****

**Tyler:** Have you had any more dreams while you've been talking to me?  
****

**Josh:** *with rising volume and pitch* I can't think of anything but horses!  
****

**Tyler:** *laughing*  
****

**Josh:** *giggling* Horses!!! it’s- it’s HORSE BODY  
****

**Tyler:** *laughing* Okay  
****

**Josh:** *ungodly combination of wheezing and squeaking*  
****

**Tyler:** Why don't you go back to sleep okay?  
****

**Josh:** *distantly* I can't  
****

**Tyler:** Can't go back to sleep?  
****

**Josh:** *disant whining* I can't I'm dreaming  
****

**Tyler:** I thought it was finished?  
****

**Josh:** No-o-o *laughing* and you were there and you looked at me and you were like "BRUH"  
****

**Tyler:** I looked at you and I was like "bruh"?  
****

**Josh:** Shiininh I was like "BRUH THAT'S REALLY CLAM RACIST"  
****

**Tyler:** Wait we were clam racist or the tour guide?  
****

**Josh:** *giggling* They were clam racist  
****

**Tyler:** Who?  
****

**Josh:** They were clam racist, the tour guide  
****

**Tyler:** *whispering* Oh my God  
****

**Josh:** THEY WERE SO BASIC!  
****

**Tyler:** They looked so basic?  
****

**Josh:** EVERYTHING IS RED *incoherent muttering*  
****

**Tyler:** Why is everything red?  
****

**Josh:** I dunno *snickering* ‘cause clam racism  
****

**Tyler:** *chokes and starts wheezing*  
****

**Josh:** *whimpering* Whthumnnn  
****

**Tyler:** I’m recording this.  
****

**Josh:** *loud whine*  
****

**Tyler:** I'm gonna play this back to you when you're at least somewhat conscious and somewhat sentient  
****

**Josh:** *distant mumbling that sounds like: I don't have everything*  
****

**Tyler:** You’re like...  
*distant mumbling, faint voices*  
****

**Josh's dad:** Hey, Jishwa  
****

**Josh:** wHAT. I'M SLEEPEEN.  
****

**Josh's dad:** Goodnight

**Josh:** *snickering*  
****

**Tyler:** Okay tell me  
****

**Josh:** *loud sniffle* Okay  
****

**Tyler:** What’s goin’ on  
****

**Josh:** So there's this fox  
****

**Tyler:** Mhm theres a fox  
****

**Josh:** *giggling* And its standing up nyyeah like on two legs *laughing* and it LAUNCHES ITSELF. OVER A HILL.  
****

**Tyler:** Like an entire hill?

**Josh:** Like an entire hill! and its covered in like flowers nn  
****

**Tyler:** Wait the fox is covered in flowers?  
****

**Josh:** No the hill  
****

**Tyler:** Okay  
****

**Josh:** And it's covered in flowers and grape bushes and there's this huge wooden sign like that's the kind  
****

**Tyler:** Wait grapes don’t, grape bushes don't exist they're grape vines  
****

**Josh:** I dont fuckign care *hissing*

**Tyler:** Oh don't get sassy

**Josh:** And there's this like entire picturesque scene like the kind you would see on a jelly jar right

**Tyler:** Mhm  
****

**Josh:** And so.... it’s there and it just launches itself, over the hill *snickering*  
****

**Tyler:** What happened? what happened to the fox?  
****

**Josh:** *high pitched* It just leeeaps over the hill

**Tyler:** It just leaps over the hill  
****

**Josh:** LIKE, IT'S LIKE A FURRY IT JUST GOES NYOOOM  
****

**Tyler:** The furry?  
****

**Josh:** Straight over the hill into the water  
****

**Tyler:** There's water? is there a lake?  
****

**Josh:** Kind of, you can kind of see t  
****

**Tyler:** Its it a pond?  
****

**Josh:** Ithinkimgonnagosleepnow

*silence, save for Tyler's snickering*  
****

**Josh:** YoU’RE LAUGHING AT MEEEEE  
****

**Tyler:** What happened with your hand there?  
****

**Josh:** *big sigh* It hurts...  
****

**Tyler:** I’ve got like four minutes of this, man  
****

**Josh:** STOPPIT you’re rood  
****

**Tyler:** I’m gonna listen to this in the morning  
****

**Josh:** *whines*  
****

**Tyler:** I'm not rude. I'm innovative. *smoothly*  
****

**Josh:** *defiantly* You’re innovative!  
****

**Tyler:** ‘Kay, what I want you to do, if I have any wacky dreams and start telling you-  
****

**Josh:** *incoherent*  
****

**Tyler:** What? If I have any wacky dreams and start telling you about them I want you to record what I’m saying  
****

**Josh:** ....  
****

**Tyler:** K?  
****

**Josh:** *Quiet whining*  
****

**Tyler:** ‘Cause I’m gonna show you this when you wake up-  
****

**Josh:** *THUD (slams face in pillow) and screams*  
****

**Tyler:** Lordy Lord  
****

**Josh:** *screams turn to shrieking laughter*  
****

**Tyler:** What was so funny?  
****

**Josh:** You!  
****

**Tyler:** What me saying *deep voice* Lordy Lord?  
****

**Josh:** *distant wheezing* You sound like Nagisa  
****

**Tyler:** Did I do it in my Nagisa voice?  
****

**Josh:** *quietly* Oh Lord  
****

**Tyler:** LORDY LORD *deep voice*  
****

**Josh:** All I can think you’re saying *broken off into wheezing* I keep *hamster???* thinking of Lowe's, the store AND morgan freeman is there with a purple unicorn and I just kept thinking lowered 'n lowered  
****

**Tyler:** *silent cackling* So Morgan Freeman the purple unicorn was standing-  
****

**Josh:** No it’s tHERE, IT’S NEXT TO HIM  
****

**Tyler:** Oh, so  
****

**Josh:** Just there looking into the distance  
****

**Tyler:** It’s Morgan Freeman and-  
****

**Josh:** Oh my God I thought there was a cat on you  
****

**Tyler:** You thought there was a cat on me? oh honey.... so Morgan Freeman and a purple unicorn  
****

**Josh:** They’re just there in front of a Lowe's store, and then there’s a unicorn and he's looking at this placard  
****

**Tyler:** Mhm  
****

**Josh:** On like the unicorns right  
****

**Tyler:** Hm  
****

**Josh:** Like the unicorns right our left  
****

**Tyler:** Yeah

*silence*  
****

**Josh:** *laughs* And  
****

**Tyler:** Lordy Lord *deep voice*  
****

**Josh:** *near silent wheezing* And all I could think was lowered, and lowered and you were saying Lordy Lord and I heard lowered and lowered and I'm like wherr wherr wherr  
****

**Tyler:** Oh my God  
****

**Josh:** Whyyyyyy you're mean  
****

**Tyler:** So, um, conscious Josh, if you're listening to this-  
****

**Josh:** *whimpers* I'm tired  
****

**Tyler:** Conscious bro-- I know- hi tired I'm dad.  
****

**Josh:** *faint squeak*  
****

**Tyler:** Don’t squeak at me!  
****

**Josh:** NnnN!  
****

**Tyler:** Squeakin’... Squeaker McSqueaky  
****

**Josh:** *sounds sick* Stop touching my back  
****

**Tyler:** What  
****

**Josh:** Why are you touching my back  
****

**Tyler:** I’m not touching your back  
****

**Josh:** It’s my hair then  
****

**Tyler:** What  
****

**Josh:** It’s my hairthhnnnn...  
****

**Tyler:** How can your hair be touching your back if your hair doesn't even reach your shoulders?  
****

**Josh:** Its fuzzy  
****

**Tyler:** I know your hair is fuzzy but- how- that's not... possible

*silence*  
****

**Josh:** You’re a furry  
****

**Tyler:** I’m not a furry  
****

**Josh:** My hand is all.. *incoherent* furries  
****

**Tyler:** Furries? Think of a fountain of furries like think of a fountain, and think of furries, coming out of the fountain, and exploding

**Josh:** Just this romanesque fountain *mumbling* T: goodnight  
****

**Tyler:** You’re already half asleep

*confusing background noises, as well as muttering from Josh*  
****

**Tyler:** Already half asleep and having dreams  
****

**Josh:** Don’t touch my baaack  
****

**Tyler:** I didn't touch your back  
****

**Josh:** *accusational muttering*  
****

**Tyler:** Do you want me to touch your back?  
****

**Josh:** Mnooooooo….. *nodding*  
****

**Tyler:** *patting Josh's back*  
****

**Josh:** Wait itch my back...down.. down... down, down, down, down okay, thank you  
****

**Tyler:** Oh my God *laughing* that was weak

**Josh:** *distant muttering*  
****

**Tyler:** Say that again?  
****

**Josh:** Taco~ burrito~ *snickering* what’s that in your speedo? You've got troubles!!  
****

**Tyler:** What is it? taco, burrito-  
****

**Josh:** What’s that in your speedo, you've got troubles  
****

**Tyler:** DudE! Go back to sleep!  
****

**Josh:** All I can think of is like a little elf  
****

**Tyler:** Shhh shh shhh  
****

**Josh:** Trying to figure out an iphone charger  
****

**Tyler:** An elf?  
****

**Josh:** An elf like a fire elf or something  
****

**Tyler:** *wistfully* A fire elf. A fire elf? Trying to figure out an iphone charger.  
****

**Josh:** Mhm  
****

**Tyler:** Go to sleep  
*silence*

**Tyler:** Wake me up if you have any more dreams  
****

**Josh:** Nnnnjack sparrow

**Tyler:** Jack sparrow?  
****

**Josh:** *whimpering*  
****

**Tyler:** Dude...  
****

**Josh:** *incoherent*  
****

**Tyler:** A squiggly what?  
****

**Josh:** *mumbling* Of donated food  
****

**Tyler:** A red wagon full of donated food that just started falling?  
****

**Josh:** Fleoudengh  
****

**Tyler:** Started what?  
****

**Josh:** Flooding.  
****

**Tyler:** Flooding?  
****

**Josh:** Yeh

*loud background noise*  
****

**Tyler:** You’re gonna suffocate if you sleep like that  
****

**Josh:** *gross coughing* I’m not gonna suffocate I’m gonna drown... I drool a LOT

**Tyler:** Oh... then yeah you might drown  
****

**Josh:** I actually woke up one time, and I picked up my mouthnnmy face  
****

**Tyler:** You picked up your mouth because it fell off your face?  
****

**Josh:** I picked up my face  
****

**Tyler:** Yeah  
****

**Josh:** From my arm  
****

**Tyler:** Yeah  
****

**Josh:** And a whole wave of saliva just fell out of my mouth  
****

**Tyler:** That’s nice  
****

**Josh:** *muttering* ...Pillow  
****

**Tyler:** Awh......Oh my God  
****

**Josh:** *muttering*  
****

**Tyler:** What?  
****

**Josh:** *louder* Don't take the Lord’s name in vain  
****

**Tyler:** Lordy Lord  
****

**Josh:** *seagull-like wheezing* Nnnnnnnyooo stop  
****

**Tyler:** Can’t stop, won’t stop  
****

**Josh:** *gets really close too the mic* Nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnagisa  
****

**Tyler:** *deep voice* I got out four months early on good behavior  
****

**Josh:** *wheezing feat. raspberry noise*  
****

**Tyler:** I hate to see you leave but I love to watch you go  
****

**Josh:** *muffled* The only solution to sharing a queen size bed is getting king size blankets.  
****

**Tyler:** The only solution to sharing a queen size bed is getting king size blankets?  
****

**Josh:** *sleepily* Yeah...  
****

**Tyler:** What about like, infant sized blankets  
****

**Josh:** Nnnnnnnnnno  
****

**Tyler:** No? What if you just had a bunch of them-  
****

**Josh:** Only if you have sixxxxxxxx  
****

**Tyler:** Six?  
****

**Josh:** Ssssiiiixxxx *hissing*  
****

**Tyler:** Six.  
****

**Josh:** *whispering* That's how you say ssssiiiixxxx in German  
****

**Tyler:** I....

*silence*

**Tyler:** Go to sleep

**Josh:** *whispering* I. am.

**Tyler:** I know you are.

     And when Tyler showed Josh the audio clip in the morning, Josh didn’t remember a word he’d said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (special thanks to spooky for helping me with the intrusive thoughts and prayer in tyler's first bit, honestly they're the best friend anyone could ask for! creds to her for also helping proofread and keep my lazy ass on track)


	3. I Don't Know Why I Think I Could Lie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am a deeply flawed human being
> 
> i apologize for the wait i know it was two months but i had summer school and then family issues came up which caused me to miss the first week of actual school and so right now im in michigan :)))
> 
> so here's the thingy, i hope it's worth the wait ;w;

    He laid awake, a disgusting weight in his chest.

 _First you tried to abandon him, now you’re doing_ **_this_ ** _?_

    He wished he could go back. Stop himself from searching what he did. Stop himself from doing it. It was disgusting. _He_ was disgusting.

    Josh sighed and reached one hand into the cubbies of the headboard; groping for a tissue or a napkin or even a paper towel scrap. He did this and now he has to clean up the mess he made. The guilt he felt was almost unbearable as he changed into a fresh pair of boxers. The cat sleeping at the foot of his bed was unaware of his actions, she was sound asleep. Lucky.

    It started with restlessness, his usual inability to sleep the night before school started, but now he was awake. And he was crying.  
  
    He hadn’t meant to do it. It just happened, he thought of… him, and that was it. The rest was an accident.

    Josh pulled the white and black comforter over himself, past his neck and up to his eyes. What if he was gay? Sure, he didn’t have a problem with them, he supported them and stuff, but he’d just never seriously considered that he might be gay. He forced himself to think of a woman - like a pretty woman, like Cara Delevigne - he’d seen her on TV before, or like Katy Perry. Sure, he could acknowledge their beauty, but… he wasn’t sure if he could just… do _that._

 _What if it were a man?_ He wondered and knotted his brows together. What about Ezra Miller? He was attractive… he was really attractive… Or Brad Pitt? Josh figured the latter wasn’t exactly his type, considering he was old enough to be Josh’s father.

 _Am I really gay?_ A small voice inside him was telling him that yeah, at this point, he probably was. _Maybe I’ll just wait.. to say anything…_

    He wondered what sort of role he would take in a gay relationship. Yeah he’d heard about the “Well, who’s the woman in the relationship” questions from tabloids and the media, but those don’t even pertain to the situation. If they’re gay, nobody is the woman.

    He wondered briefly if Tyler would hate him or call him names. He figured that no, Tyler probably wouldn’t do that, he didn’t have it in him to hurt someone like that, but still. He worried.  

 _You know he would. You’re a freak, admit it. A_ **_freak_ ** _._

 _He’s my friend, he’s my best friend._ He whimpered aloud and rolled onto his stomach, hiding his face in the cotton sheets. Joshua felt awful- Tyler was straight! He’d caught feelings for a straight boy, and he knew that Tyler could never like him back, let alone love him the same way. He sighed, thinking of the countless hours he and Tyler had spent together. They always held hands, but that was a more platonic assurance that the person next to them was real. Tyler’s hands were soft - even in the dead of winter when the air was dry and everyone’s skin was cracking. Sure they joked about calling the other sexy or when one would say “fuck you” the other would say “maybe later.” Sometimes Josh wished Tyler wasn’t joking.

    Josh hated himself as he wondered what Tyler would look like naked, splayed out on the bed before him. What kind of sounds he’d make. What kind of faces he would pull. The way he would move. Josh wondered if the other boy would be the same shy person in bed, or if he was a completely different Tyler. He was probably beautiful- his skin hot with blush, his eyes shut tight in bliss. His face was probably beautiful, ethereal even. The sounds he made were probably _exotic._

    With images of a blissful Tyler in mind, Josh finally fell asleep.

 

    High school sucked. It was big, loud, confusing, and nothing at all like summer school. Josh spent the entire first day on the edge of his seat, tapping his fingers/feet, and anxious. The days trudged on, a fumbling pattern that he struggled to fit into. After a few days, he warmed up to it, and by the end of the first week he had started opening up and talking to more people. He had a group of people he smiled at and waved to in the halls - people he recognized from classes - and the people he sat with at lunch. Most of his lunchtime group were kids who went to his middle school that didn’t go to the catholic school Tyler did, and a girl he’d invited to sit with them on the first day. She was wearing a Green Day shirt, and when Josh offered her a seat at their table she seemed extremely grateful.

    There wasn’t much to do for homework the first few days, just get syllabuses signed, so when Josh got home he either went to sleep right away or talked to Tyler. According to Tyler, Worthington Christian High School was worse. The school had no air conditioning, they weren’t allowed to wear specific sock colors, and they had to wear godawful uniforms. During these times they spoke mostly through Snapchats and messages over Facebook - they were quicker and more discreet than texting.  Days turned to weeks, and weeks turned to months. The days dragged on, communication with Tyler all but ceased, Josh lost friends, he lost family, and he even began to lose hope. The days were shorter and colder, and Josh found himself mimicking them. His temper was short, he snapped and grouched at people, and he was getting more apathetic toward his slipping grades.

    Everything hit him one day - the pent up emotions. He wasn’t sure if it was exactly a panic attack, or if he was just angry, but one of the seniors he considered an acquaintance snuck up behind him and jabbed him in the sides in an attempt to spook him. It worked, and on top of his already shitty morning (spilled his coffee in the car, and then proceeded to forget it when he got out), that pushed him over the edge. He yelped in shock at first, but when he jumped around to see the taller boy he let out a roar and all but charged the other teen, shouting “ _Never FUCKING touch me again!”_ before storming off to class. That entire day had decided to fuck him over, it seemed, because he had biology homework and he almost failed the algebra review he took the day before, so that was a real fucking treat. It was one of those days you just had to wait for them to end, nothing could make it better.

    Just as he was about to go to sleep, however, his phone buzzed on the floor next to him. He knew it was a Facebook notification, so that meant it was one of his friends. As he forced himself to reach over and fish the phone off the floor, it buzzed again in his hand.

    The red Facebook messenger chat bubble was already open when he unlocked the heavy black LG, Tyler’s familiar face and picture making him smile a little bit.

TODAY AT 23:56

 **Tyjo:** Hey there’s a variety show thing coming up at Worthington and I was wondering if you wanted to go?  

 **Tyjo:** You totally don’t have to, I was just wondering if you wanted to       _Just now_

 **Jishwa:** of fucking course i want to go when and what time is it  

 **Jishwa:** did you invite debbie       _Just now_

 **Tyjo:** its this weekend, and it starts at 7 -- I did invite deb she said yes and i meant to ask you earlier but i couldn’t talk because practice has been taking up 90% of all my free time       _Just now_

 **Jishwa:** ok cool i’ll see if we can carpool there -- that sucks, how’s it been going?

 **Jishwa:** practice i mean      _Just now_

 **Tyjo:** fine. stressful. Ive been really busy with homework   

 **Tyjo:** hey what would the graph of 5*2^(x) look like      _Just now_

 **Jishwa:** fuck idk let me get my calculator one sec       _Just now_

    Josh scrambled to the foot of his bed, unzipped the front pocket of his backpack, and retrieved the Texas Instruments calculator he was required to have for class. He punched the numbers into the _Y=_ slot and hit enter. He took a relatively blurry picture of the exponential graph before shutting the calculator down and tucking it into his backpack.

 **Jishwa sent an attachment:** _/storage/emulated/0/DCIM/Camera/20160130_201709.jpg_

 **Jishwa:** its exponential, intercepts y at +5       _Just now_

 **Tyjo:** ok ok thanks i didn’t know if i was wrong or if it’s my calculator thanks

 **Tyjo:** so its a yes to the show?       _Just now_

 **Jishwa:** hell yeah man, i’ll be there. I’ll tell my mom in the morning and i’ll see what me and deb can do about carpooling but we’ll definitely be there. I’ve gotta go, im exhausted and ive gotta get up early tomorrow -- see you later fren       _Just now_

* * *

 

    Tyler was more than stressed at this point: he was overwhelmed. Exhausted. Dead-tired. Enervated. Enfeebled. Debilitated. School was demanding more of him than he even demanded of himself. He woke up early, went to school, went to play practice and got home late, and did homework until midnight. He never went to sleep right away and almost always ended up falling asleep a few hours before he had to get up in the morning. He hadn’t really started making friends until midterms, and after school instead of meeting with the friends he did have, more often than not he sat in his bed for hours, a headache splitting his skull and tears staining his homework.

     At school he was constantly guarded and full of anxiety, tension rarely leaving his small frame. His head hung as low in the hallways as his hopes did in his mind. He watched as friends he once knew walked past him without a glance. He expected the change to high school from middle school would be hard, but not this hard. Every moment was full of doubt. Every moment of every day, he could hear himself think. _They know my brother, they know how much of a failure I am compared to him. God, they know me in general. Just look at me. I walk with my head down like some frickin depressed teenager. That's what I am though, isn't it? A depressed teenager? No, I'm not depressed. I'm overreacting. I'm a teenager. My hormones are all off balance. That's why I'm always so upset. Mom and dad know I'm always upset. They make fun of me for it. “What happened to my happy little boy?” I dont know what happened to your happy little boy, maybe life happened to your happy little boy maybe anxiety happened to your happy little boy maybe knowing that im a complete failure maybe the fact i have three friends maybe its because im not realizing that my emotions arent real maybe im an idiot maybe im overreacting maybe i should kill mys-_

 _Idiot_. 

    Tyler didn't have many friends. Josh, Debbie, Jenna… After those names rolled off his tongue with ease, hardly any more could come to mind. He figured no one could tolerate him long enough. All he did was make people tired. If he was good at anything, it was exhausting the people he cared about. He hated that about himself. He was exhausting, and he knew it.

     Though the days leading up to the variety show were short, each one felt like a sempiternal hell he couldn’t escape from. Filming for the various skits throughout the show took all the free time he had, both after school and on weekends - and the time for quick conversations with Josh was completely eradicated. By the time the actual show rolled around, Tyler was running on nothing but nervous energy and the prospect of seeing his best friend again.

     _He’s so nervous._ Josh observed, watching the boy he loved on stage. His smile wasn’t genuine, his posture wasn’t right, the way he held his hands mirrored the way Josh held his own when he was anxious. Tyler laughed with the other emcees on stage but it wasn’t the laugh Josh loved. It wasn’t the staccato cackle he adored, no, it was forced - albeit still a lovely sound. However nervous he appeared, the brunet boy looked _alive_ on stage. From the way the lights illuminated his skin to the way his dark eyes scanned the crowd, he was captivating. The other teenagers were nowhere near as distracting as Tyler, and try as he might, Josh couldn’t draw his eyes away from the boy.

  **Josh:** hey fucker we’re here left stage      _Sent 7:44 PM_

     No reply.

 **Josh:** we’re by loki behind the orchestra pit      _Sent 7:55 PM_

     Again, no response.

     An hour into the show, one of the kids on stage announced that they would be taking a fifteen minute intermission, and that there were refreshments in the commons.

     “Let’s go see if we can find Tyler,” Josh nudged Debbie, jerking his head toward the exit.

     “You mean like backstage?” She stood up and let Josh slide past her. “Think he’ll be out there?”

     “I dunno, we can always look,” Josh shrugged and ducked through the crowd gathering near the double doors. He recognized a few faces from Saint Mary’s, most of them kids who graduated the year before his. They glanced over him and paid him no mind. As if they even recognized him, he had changed so much since then.

     As strange as it may seem, hunting Tyler out in a crowd was something Josh had become very precise at. The year’s previous plays and musicals proved good for practicing this, as he was always able to track the other teen down. Unless of course, he was backstage.

    “Call him, see if he’ll pick up for you,” Debbie sighed as she got Tyler’s voicemail again. “My texts aren’t going through.”

     “I already tried.” Josh huffed and shoved his phone back into the pocket of his hoodie. “I kind of wanna go back there but I don’t wanna get yelled at…” He groaned, kicking one leg into the air in the direction of the stage entrance.

     “You could run in and I’ll stand guard?” Debbie suggested, propping the door open with her foot. Josh shook his head to clear his thoughts and nodded, squaring his shoulders.

     “I’m goin’ in.” He announced, taking off before Debbie could warn him to be careful. The hallway was long and plain, but he still slunk down the side like he was being watched. The door at the end was his goal. His hand met the brass plated doorknob as it turned, one of the emcee’s just about to leave. Panic began to rise in Josh’s chest, but the other teenager just held the door for him. Josh ducked in and found himself standing in front of another group of kids about his age.

      _Where are all the adults?_ He wondered amusedly to himself, but then realized that they were all waiting for him to say something. One of the kids, whom he recognized from a “christian leadership camp” a few years ago, greeted him with a confused but not unpleasant: “What’re you looking for?”

     “Where’s Tyler Joseph?” Josh demanded, his voice rougher than he intended it to be. He could feel his legs shaking, and he prayed to whatever deity watching over him that he remained standing.

     The other boy, his name was Dante, looked _even more_ confused, but he nodded. “I think he’s in the green room, let me go check.”

     “I met you before, right?” One of the girls in the room asked, cocking her head to the side. She did look vaguely familiar, though Josh wasn’t _entirely_ sure who she was.

     “I think so?” It hit him, but the girl before him beat him to the punch. 

    “At the mall! You were with Tyler and I told you I liked your hair.” She grinned at him. “I still do.”

    “Aw, thanks,” Josh scratched the back of his head shyly. _Where the fuck is Dante?_

    “Josh!”

    Josh didn’t think he’d ever seen a man run so fast in skinny jeans. Tyler all but sprinted across the room and tackled Josh in what could’ve been some form of guerilla warfare. The younger teen pinned Josh to the painted brick wall, one hand pulling at his hoodie and the other knotted in his hair. Josh ignored the light-hearted, teasing comments of the other teens in the room, too busy in his own little world to acknowledge their presence. Josh slipped his arms down around Tyler’s waist, hugging the other boy even closer. He felt Tyler’s knee brush the inside of his thigh, and Josh relaxed, pulling every inch of Tyler flush against him.

    Josh buried his face in Tyler’s neck, inhaling his sweet, familiar aroma. It was something he could never get enough of. Tyler pulled back to look at Josh, an ear to ear grin on his face. _He’s so handsome. Painfully so._ Josh pushed off the wall and leaned on Tyler, burrowing back into Tyler’s collar. Josh picked Tyler up, easily hefting the other boy up against his chest. The brunet’s legs instinctively tightened around Josh’s waist, his hands shakily gripping Josh’s shoulders.

    “Fuck, I missed you.” Josh murmured, setting Tyler back on his feet, pinning the younger boy to the wall. Tyler’s hands ran up and down Josh’s back, knotting in his sweater just above his hips.

    “I missed you, too.”

    “I think they like each other.” One of the boys in the room laughed. Josh could hear the quiet thump of the girl elbowing him and chuckling, “You think?”

     _I don’t ever want to leave his side - ever._

    “Hey, you’re not supposed to be back here!” Some guy barked, scaring Josh out of his skin.

    “Go back to where you were sitting I’ll find you guys after okay?” Tyler nudged Josh off of him.

    “We’re behind the orchestra pit, look for us!” Josh winked before dashing out of the room and back to where Debbie was waiting outside the door.

    “Was he in there?” She asked, looking up from her phone.

    “Yeah, they’re about to go back on let’s hurry.” Josh nodded toward the auditorium doors and started weaving through the crowd again. They found their seats just as the house lights faded out and eagerly awaited seeing Tyler on stage.

 

    Tyler let out a shuddering breath as the reds closed, making a last ditch attempt to scan the faces of the audience. The inky black of the backstage enveloped him and he began to rip the mic tape off of his sweating face. He sprinted to the green room, congratulating his fellow emcees and grabbing a stray water bottle off the makeup covered counter. Bursting through the heavy wooden door to enter the auditorium house. Tyler frantically searched the lingering audience for Josh and Debby. Instead of seeing the familiar warm faces of his closest friends, he instead saw different… friend.

    Andi. Just as she was about to begin talking, he heard an echoing scream from the other side of the room. “Tyler!” His head whipped around toward the shout. The last thing he saw was Josh barreling toward him before he was wrapped in strong arms squeezing around his waist and cradling his head. Fingers trailed through his hair as Josh hoisted him off the ground.

    After yelping in initial shock, Tyler hugged Josh back and began to cling to him. “Why are you always picking me up?”

    “Because you’re so light and it’s easy.” Josh shrugged and placed Tyler gently on the ground again.

    “I’m gonna talk to Debbie, she won’t pick me up ‘cause she actually _likes_ me.” Tyler teased and greeting Debby with a hug.

     _Oh, if you knew._ Josh’s eyes switched from where Tyler stood to the girl next to him with long, dark hair. She carried herself.. awkwardly - her shoulders forward though her chin was high. She was curvy with dark hair that went down past her breasts. While she was conventionally attractive, Josh found himself more distracted by the brunet boy beside her.  After attending the same school together for ten years, Josh had become very accustomed to picking up on Tyler’s body language in a way that wasn’t… _normal_ , he supposed.

    “Oh,” Tyler looked up, his face was open and friendly, but his eyes were guarded.  Josh could tell he was uncomfortable. “Josh, Debbie, this is Andi. Andi, these are my friends from Saint Mary’s. Josh, and Debbie.”

    Tyler gestured to each in turn before returning his hands to their clutched position at his chest. Josh could hear as Tyler cracked each joint in his fingers, watching as Tyler’s eyes shifted nervously from Debbie to Andi, then to the floor and up to Josh. Andi greeted Josh with a broad smile and a friendly wave.

    Debbie glanced down at her phone screen and faltered. “Oh, Josh, my dad’s here, we gotta go.”

    “Oh! That reminds me, I’ve gotta go, too,” Andi perked up suddenly, throwing an arm around Tyler’s shoulder and giving him a hearty jostle. “Gotta go fast!”

    “Heh, bye, Andi,” Tyler mumbled, his eyes downcast. Josh watched with guarded interest as Andi’s arm slipped from Tyler’s shoulders, her hand resting on the small of his back. Tyler shifted uncomfortably and looked up at Josh. “Are you going, too?”

    “Yeah.” Josh murmured and give a little nod. “I’ll see you around, though-”

    “Tyler! There you are! I need your mic, kiddo!” An older girl Josh recognized from Saint Mary’s stood a few rows of seats away. She had a bundle of wires in her arms, a few earpiece microphones cradled in one hand.

    “Wait, Josh, will you- will you help me with my mic?” Tyler’s voice was shy as he looked up at the older boy. “Please?”

    “Yeah,” Josh turned to Debbie. “Tell your dad we’ll be out in a minute, Tyler needs help.” Debbie nodded and started tapping away at her phone screen.

    Josh followed Tyler backstage again, watching the other boy looked around cautiously. Once he was sure that there wasn’t anyone around, Tyler started unbuttoning his shirt. Josh felt his cheeks flush red when Tyler started to shrug his shirt off. The pale blue pinstriped dress shirt slipped down to the crook of Tyler’s elbows, revealing his soft shoulders, dimpled spine, and soft, tan back.

    “Josh? Will you unstick the tape from my back?” The brunet haired boy looked over his shoulder. Josh nodded and gently picked up the microphone wire with his fingertips, following it to the clear tape stuck to Tyler’s shoulder blade. He carefully pulling it away from the supple skin of Tyler’s back. Josh found the next piece of tape and gently separated it from the small of Tyler’s back, his left hand resting lightly on Tyler’s waist. The power box of the microphone was clipped to the waistband of his pants, tucked in against his… _soft, round, plush-_

_Woah._

   This was his best friend! The kid he talked to when he needed help! He shouldn’t be thinking like this. _You fucking freak! He’s done so much for you, yet here you are, admiring his ass. Disgusting. He doesn’t like you back- why would he? You’re just some fucking queer._

Josh shook his head to clear his thoughts and unclipped the box from Tyler’s waistband. He carefully pulled it out of Tyler’s pants and shivered at the feeling of Tyler’s supple skin ghosting against his hand. He gave Tyler the box and turned him around by the shoulder, so that they faced each other now. The older boy avoided Tyler’s eye, pulling the soft cotton up over his shoulders and re-clasping the top button. Josh risked a glance up at Tyler’s face - and part of him looked confused, like he wanted to protest even, but he was watching Josh’s hands with rapt attention. Josh continued to button Tyler’s shirt, from the collar to the last button that hung at his waist.

    “T- thanks.” Tyler mumbled, his eyebrows knitted. All of Josh yearned to touch the boy in front of him- so he did. Fiercely, he wrapped his arms around the shorter boy’s waist and buried his face in Tyler’s shoulder. The brunet hugged Josh back, running his hand up and down his back.

    “I missed you so much…” Josh whispered, not caring whether or not Tyler heard. The other boy nuzzled his face into Josh’s hair, breathing deeply.

    “We should probably go.” Tyler sighed, pulling away from Josh. “Don’t want to hold you up.”

    “We should hang out - when are you free?” Josh placed his hand over Tyler’s on the door handle. Tyler shrugged as Josh pushed the door open, letting Tyler slip out before him. They returned the microphone to the girl collecting them and said their goodbyes before Debbie and Josh hurried to where her dad’s car was idling at the curb.

    “Hey, dad.” She greeted him, ducking into the red Prius and scooting across the seats so Josh could get in.

    “Hullo!” Josh tried to be friendly, but he couldn’t lie - Debbie’s dad was a bit… intimidating. It wasn’t that he looked scary, but it was more how quiet he was, and how judgmental he appeared to Josh. He was around the same age as Josh’s own dad, but he was more the “grouchy old man” type than Josh’s. Outings with Debbie’s family were always very awkward and dry, in Josh’s opinion. He preferred the boisterous calamity of his own family circus than cookie cutter order.

    “How was it?” Mr. Ryan asked, pulling away from the curb. Josh watched the digital panel on the gauge cluster as the tiny lights blinked and rotated. Josh was completely tuned out to the painfully dry conversation the whole ride back to his house. He said his farewells to Debbie before bounding up the front steps, pushing the white door open, and stepping into the warm light of his own home.

    “Hi, mom, hi, dad. I’m back.” Josh called into the living room where his mother and father sat watching television. The light in the china cabinet was on, the bright, glittering pieces of interest catching his eye. The crystal behind the glass was all his mother’s, and she loved it. Josh didn’t really understand the difference between glass and crystal, but he did acknowledge their beauty sometimes. Usually, though, he just pressed his face up to the glass and made silly faces at himself in the mirror behind it. Nobody knew where the smudgy marks came from, but Josh knew. He knew.

    His parents greeted him once he pulled himself away from the sparkling glass shelves and his mom went on to tell him that there was leftovers from dinner if he was hungry. Josh denied the food but went into the kitchen anyway, circling the island a few times before leaving and padding toward the stairs. He felt… off, everything was too much - too distracting. He wanted to see everything at once, but at the same time, he wasn’t registering what he _was_ seeing. It was a weird feeling.

     Josh wandered up the stairs, counting his steps as he went. Sixteen steps. Just like always. He wasn’t sure why he thought it would ever change, but he still counted. Just to be sure. The short walk to his room was a familiar one, and he could do it with his eyes shut. But he didn’t. He _had_ to check each room on his way to the end of the hall. He wasn’t sure why he thought he would ever catch anyone lurking in his sister’s room - or trying to steal all the shampoo from his shower, but he always checked. And it was always the same.

     His room was dark and cold once he entered it, and it was welcome. Josh knew exactly where to step to avoid tripping over stray wires or discarded clothes - everything was always exactly where he left it. Just like always.

 

    The fuzzy, cloudy feeling in Josh’s head went away after a while, but it was replaced with exhaustion. He had been laying in bed for what felt like an eternity at this point, time only kept by the “-hrs ago” tabs on the Instagram posts he scrolled through. He had tagged Tyler in a post he thought the other boy would like, but never got a comment back in response. Josh sighed heavily, unplugging his phone and rolling over. He opened the black and white icon to one of his favorite games - Piano Tiles. Sure it was repetitive and boring, but Josh was _really good_. Like, his high score is 2,961. He considered himself pretty damn good at it. Josh and Debbie would sit next to each other at school playing it on their phones, listening to the quiet twinkling notes of classical concertos and sonatas instead of club instructions or the latest gossip.

    His fingers were flying over the screen - punching out the black and blue tiles on the screen as they flew by. _153- 167- 180- 200!_ He was getting a higher score than he ever had on this song - it always irked him that he could never get very far. The black LG in his hands shook in his hands, shaking inside its worn, cracked case.

 **Tyjo <3:** Hey can you talk??        _Sent 11:48 PM_

     _Shit, sorry, Ty, give me a few more seconds until I can beat my high score and I can talk I swear._ Josh bit his lip and tried to focus on the tiles flying under his fingers. Eventually, the notification banner went away and Josh was able to play normally once more. Though as soon as Josh felt his phone vibrate a second time, Josh forfeited his game and tapped the notification. It wasn’t like Tyler to text twice.

 **Tyjo <3:** I'm sorry I'm sorry I know you're busy I know you can't talk I don't know what to do I can't do this I can't I can't I can't I can't breathe I can't I'm sorry       _Sent 11:52 PM_

    Worry clawed at Josh’s stomach, wrecking his nerves. He exhaled deeply and steadied himself before typing a response.

 **Jishwa:** Hey, just breathe deep for me, okay, Ty? What’s the matter?       _Sent 11:53 PM_

 **Tyjo <3:** I'm sorry I'm sorry it's Andi she won't leave me alone everyday she keeps me up telling me about how everyone hates her about how she has now friends and I cant take it anymore she puts me on a pedestal and says im so smart and handsome and shessstupid and ugly and everyone likes me but no one likes her no one likes me i don't know how to deal with this I cant I cant i canti cant i cant do this anymore i dont want to do this anymore she keeps talking about how she wants to get back with Kyle Kyles a douche and it's always Kyle Kyle youre so much better than me kyle Kyle itss constant it doesnt stop and if i try to say i csnt talk shell get mad at me and i dint know why but i cant let her get mad at me and i dont know why itll never stop shell never stop never leave im i feel sick when I hear her name im so tired so tired she makes me so tired im so tired im so tired I just want to sleep and never wake up never wake up never never stop she never stops so tired never listens i try to help she never listens she makes me feel guilty for writing and being skinny im so tired she says everyone loves me but everyone hates me o know they do j know Im tired shr never leaves me alone I said im introverted i need a break I need time but she didn't listen se never listens then she told me i said she wears me out but i didtt mean her i meant everyone everyone wears me out im so tired im so tired i just want to sleep forever im so tired        _Sent 12:00 AM_

    It took Josh a few minutes to read, but he knew Tyler was in trouble. His hands shook as he typed now, hoping desperately that Tyler wasn’t doing anything stupid.

 **Jishwa:** hey, ty, ty i need you to calm down for me okay? Breathe in for 8, exhale for 7       _Sent 12:02 AM_

 **Tyjo <3: ** no i cant breathe i cant i cant i cant i cant its hard shes texting me still and i dont even know what to say i dont want to upset her more but i  cantT do thsi anyhmorw       _Sent 12:04 AM_

 **Jishwa:** ty why dont you go to your mom about this?? see if she can help        _Sent 12:04 AM_

 **Tyjo <3:** i can't i cant not allowed to be awake not supposed to be awake not now and i told her before i said andi was mean she doesn't believe me dhe thinkks im being dramatic again im no t trying to be dramatic im just so tired i wanna sleep but I can't she won't let me even withhout her I can't I cann ever sleep i just wanna sleep i just wanna never wake up josh i never ewnna       _Sent 12:08 AM_

 **Jishwa:** try to breathe tyler?? please? for me???       _Sent 12:08 AM_

 **Tyjo <3: ** im trying im trying       _Sent 12:09 AM_

 **Tyjo <3: ** im sorry       _Sent 12:09 AM_

 **Jishwa:** you have no reason to apologize       _Sent 12:10 AM_

 **Tyjo <3: ** i mean i do but okay - andi stopped texting me she said she was going to bed       _Sent 12:11 AM_

 **Jishwa:** are you okay now though?       _Sent 12:12 AM_

 **Tyjo <3: ** im a little better yes       _Sent 12:12 AM_

 **Jishwa:** okay… im really sorry to bounce on you ty, but im falling asleep       _Sent 12:13 AM_

 **Tyjo <3: ** oh!! Bro go to sleep, dont worry about me       _Sent 12:13 AM_

 **Jishwa:** okay,, goodnight c:       _Sent 12:14_

    Josh shut his phone off and dropped it over the edge of his bed, retracting his arm back under the blankets and rolling to face the wall. Soft warmth fell over him, and he slipped into sleep. For the first time in a while, he slept dreamlessly and deeply.

    The car ride was awkward and quiet, nothing but the whirr of the AC to fill the silence clouding Tyler’s ears. His mother hadn’t spoken to him since they got in the car, save for snapping at him to stop bouncing his leg. He sat with the polyester case of his ukulele in his lap, his blunted nails scratching at the seams. _I’m about to see Josh, I should be excited- I should be happy. He’s my best friend, he likes me, right? I mean, he says he does... He’s not usually one to lie, but then again I haven’t seen him in so long it’s not like I would know… Maybe he’s just doing it ‘cause he feels bad for me, even I feel bad for me. So sorry and pitiful, no friends, no life, no reason for anything. No reason to go on, nobody who cares, it’s not like anyone has reason to, all I do is complain and bitch and whine about my own problems and im sure josh is already fed up with me and so is my mom and dad and brother and i dont want to bother them anymo_

    “Tyler,” his mother pulled the gear shift into park. “We’re here.”

    “Oh, right, okay…” He pushed the car door open and stepped out onto the gravel of Josh’s driveway. The front door to Josh’s house opened and he bounded out, his hair sticking up wildly at all angles. He waved to Tyler’s mom and waited for Tyler by the door. “Thanks for driving me.”

    “No problem - you two don’t go anywhere in town without an adult, I don’t want a repeat of last time.” She clipped and sighed, reaching over to turn the AC down.

    “Sorry.” Tyler mumbled and started to close the passenger door. “Love you, bye, momma.”

    “Love you, too.” Her response was distant as Tyler shut the door. He hefted the ukulele case over his shoulder and stepped onto the wooden boards at the bottom of the staircase. The house was raised up to combat the occasional flooding of the river, so you had to go up a set of stairs before entering. Tyler had always admired how everything in the house had been built by Josh’s dad, though the frame had been there for decades. It was a unique house, and he always felt comfortable there. Josh pulled him inside and shut the painted aluminum door, awkwardly standing by Tyler’s side until he lunged in and hugged him.

    “Hi.” Josh grinned sheepishly and stepped away from Tyler. “Do.. do you want me to take that for you?”

    “Oh, I got it- I got it,” Tyler toed off his shoes and nudged them next to Josh’s Vans sk8 hi sneakers before placing the black case beside the Wurlitzer baby grand piano Josh’s family had taken as a trade-off from Saint Mary’s when his family helped with roof repairs.

    “Are you ready to dye?” Josh snickered and whipped around to face Tyler after having wandered a few feet away.

    “Copy!” Tyler squeaked, nodding.

    “Do you want to borrow a shirt?” Josh stopped halfway up the staircase, looking over his shoulder at Tyler, who nodded. He had promised to help Josh dye his hair after the first dye job didn’t work out. The stylist hadn’t bleached it before attempting to dye it red, and over the last few weeks the red dye had washed out, leaving his hair a dark auburn color.

    “Yeah, if it’s okay.” Tyler grabbed at the hem of his black shirt. If he got bleach on it, it would no doubt turn orange.

    “Of course!” Josh bounded up the rest of the stairs. He lead Tyler to his room and wrenched open the closet door, pulling out the dark purple shirt he wore during the co-ed volleyball season at Saint Mary’s. He tossed it behind himself and Tyler reached out to catch it.

    “I’m changing.” Tyler announced, pulling the black shirt over his head. He exchanged it for the purple one and fixed the sweet smelling shirt over his skinny frame. It smelled like a mixture of fabric softener and Josh - and Tyler hoped the scent would never come off his skin. He glanced over at Josh who was standing shirtless in front of him now, his pale skin criss-crossed with varying tan lines. It was so amusing Tyler found himself smiling until Josh glanced back to look at him.

    Josh’s entire body consisted of pale skin, dotted with endearing freckles and slight tan lines along his shoulders, neck, and hips. His back sloped gently as he bent to pick up a shirt and his shoulders spread wide, flexing as his arms pulled the shirt over his head, once again concealing his torso. Tyler averted his eyes quickly as Josh turned around, a broad grin plastered across his face.

    “Ready?” He asked, hopping from foot to foot before excitedly jogging into the bathroom. His enthusiasm was adorable, his big mocha eyes shining as he looked to Tyler before pulling the instructions out of the red and black box of dye. Tyler propped himself up against the counter, watching as the auburn haired boy next to him fumbled with the instructions. “There’s like, twelve different languages, what is this- where is…-” he flipped it the page over “-English?”

    Tyler listened while the older boy read off the steps, stuttering when he tried to talk too fast. His eyes darted over the page, double checking the list before setting them down confidently. “So, we’re supposed to pour this-” he fished into the box for something and pulled out a black packet. Tyler picked it up and studied it briefly while Josh continued. “-into this and mix it.”  

    He retracted his hand from the box once more, producing a tall, clear bottle with a tapering nozzle. It was half filled with what looked like water, but Tyler knew it was probably a chemical of some sorts. Nerves chewed at his guts as Joshua began to combine the two, carefully funneling the bleach powder into the bottle. He fought to snip the end of the nozzle off, as it was sealed shut. Tyler was about to warn him he should probably shake it first, but it was too late.

    “And shake!” Josh shook the bottle until the mixture inside began to turn a pale blue and thicken so it was sloshy and about the consistency of pancake batter. With a slight slip of the wrist, Josh’s finger slid from the tip of the nozzle and ended up releasing a spray of the blue all over the sink.

    “Oh my God.” Tyler sighed and rubbed his face. He watched Josh as he laughed at himself and began to splash water over the blue spots in the sink until they washed away. Tyler looked up at Josh, who was acting quite confidently about something he’s never done before. “So do you know what you’re doing?”

    “Nope.” Was the other’s response, as he combed through his hair with his fingers with a shit-eating smirk. “‘S’all guess work from here, baby.”

    Tyler sighed at the other teen, folding his legs on the cool marble counter top. Josh awkwardly held his arms at various angles around his head, a pained expression on his face as he tried to position himself just right. Eventually, however, he just gave up before holding the bottle over himself and squeezing a generous amount of bleach onto his hair. Tyler gasped as he watched, letting his breath fall into a sigh as he realized Josh was doing this with his bare hands, even when the directions explicitly stated to _WEAR GLOVES DURING ENTIRE BLEACHING PROCESS._

    “Why aren’t you wearing gloves?” Tyler groaned resting his head on the pale lilac wall beside the mirror. “You’re so reckless sometimes, I swear.”

    “I mean, it’s just bleach-” Josh began to defend himself but Tyler interjected and cut him off.

    “‘ _I_ _t’s just bleach_ ,’ he says!” He crowed over Josh’s whines sarcastically. Tyler couldn’t help but grin when Josh slouched and hung his head in defeat. “It’s just bleach everyone don’t worry!”

    “You’re an ass.” The other boy grumbled, squeezing another quarter-sized dollop of bleach into his hand, smearing it back over his bangs.

    “But you love me.” Tyler shrugged coyly and pulled his cutest smile, framing his face with his hands. Josh shot him a brief glance- and if Tyler wasn’t paying attention he would’ve missed it.

    “Yeah, I do.” He paused, smiling that same wide, dopey smile that Tyler loved. “It’s a problem.”

    The younger boy scoffed at him and shifted to change position so that his legs were pulled up to his chest. He watched as Josh continued to apply the bleach to his hair, and Tyler saw that it was already changing color. What was once a dark, handsome auburn, was now a peachy orange shade of blond, mixed in with various other shades of burnt reds and oranges as other areas began to process.

    “Hey, Ty, will you get the back of my head?” Josh asked offering Tyler the bottle and one of the gloves that the dye kit had come with. Tyler accepted the glove and slipped it on before taking the bottle, wary of getting any of the gunk on his hands. He placed his free hand on Josh’s shoulder, gently guiding him down so he was bent at the waist with his elbows planted on the vanity.

    “Do I just, squirt it on?” Tyler asked, shyly cocking his head to the side. He didn’t know how to do this, what if he fucks up? What if he messes up Josh’s hair forever? What if it fries his hair? He didn’t want Josh to have shitty hair, his hair was always so thick and soft that Tyler could pet it for hours.

    “Yeah, just squeeze some onto my hair and rub it in with your hand.” Josh instructed, and Tyler hesitantly did so. He covered the crown of Josh’s head in the rapidly drying blue liquid, following the distinct shave line as a guide. Josh’s previous haircut had left him with a mohawk that tapered off into a shaven pattern, but it had grown out within the next week. Just the night before, Josh had texted Tyler, telling him that he was going to cut his own hair. God, this boy worried him. He recalled pictures of Josh from before he cut it himself, and damn, he had taken off a lot. He was dark and fluffy before, but now his hair was short and choppy, but he hadn’t done a bad job.

    In fact, the new haircut suited him- it was short, sure, but it was handsome. It made him look older, edgier even. Tyler suddenly realized that Josh was one of the kids his mother would warn him about as a child. The kids with dyed hair, face rings, big holes in their ears - the one’s who wear ripped black jeans and parade around town in cliques on skateboards. The misfits- the outcasts, even, but Tyler figured he was one of that group as well.

    “How long are you supposed to wait for?” Tyler asked, pulling his fingers out of the clammy slots of the glove.

    “Thirty minutes… are you hungry?” Josh asked, raising his head and lifting his eyebrows curiously. “We can eat lunch downstairs and then come back up and watch X-Files until it’s ready to come out?”

    “Yeah, sure.” Tyler nodded and followed Josh out of the bathroom. Josh made both of them instant ramen, offering him some obscure Japanese candy sticks when they had finished. Tyler politely declined with the excuse of a stomach ache. Josh and his weird, foreign candies. It was endearing, though, and he admired Josh’s bravery to try new things- but not his recklessness.

    After rinsing out Josh’s first round of bleach, Tyler helped apply more bleach to the areas that hadn’t turned the same shade of blond. Josh was bent over at the waist, his elbows propped up on the counter with his head hanging over the sink. Tyler watched his back rise and fall when he breathed, his muscular arms flexing whenever he fidgeted with the rubber band around his wrist. Tyler wanted to touch his back- his shoulders, he wanted to hold Josh’s hand and cuddle with him on the couch.

    “You almost done, babe?” Josh murmured, rolling his shoulders with a loud _crunch_.

    Tyler bit his lip and nodded, meeting Josh’s eye in the mirror. Josh cracked a crooked smile and sank down to his knees in front of the counter, letting out a loud, relieved moan. Tyler stepped back and watched Josh melt into the tile, relaxing against the cold slate. Josh’s eyes rolled back as he stretched before they flicked up to look at Tyler through his dark lashes. _God, he’s so beautiful._

    Josh moved to sit up on his knees, slouching as he sat. Tyler let out a sharp huff through his nose, smirking in amusement. He slipped one hand into Josh’s hair, knotted his fingers in the pale blond, and tipped his head back so Josh was forced to look at him. He pulled Josh forward, his smirk breaking into a grin, when he saw the shock on Josh’s face.

    “Suck.” Tyler snickered, pulling Josh even closer by his hair.

    “ _Daddy-_ ” Josh teased, wrinkling his nose. Tyler let go of his hair with a frustrated sigh, turned quickly on his heel, and left the bathroom. He walked into Josh’s room, threw himself down on the bed, and screamed into a pillow.

    “I’m so done with you!” Tyler picked his head up and looked at Josh over his shoulder when the older boy wandered in. Josh scratched the back of his neck, picking a coin up off the floor and dropping it into the Playboy cup he kept on his headboard. When doing so, he glanced over at Tyler, his heavy-lidded eyes dark and guarded.

    “Just for the record,” He started, emptying his pockets of loose change. “You would _not_ top me.”

    “Says who?” Tyler griped and knitted his eyebrows together. He hated to admit it, but the thought of Josh… well, topping him, was something he thought about often.

    “Says me, and just... you’re a bottom.” Josh shrugged, avoiding Tyler’s gaze now.

    “Your opinion is not fact.” Tyler snarked and sat up to lean against the wall, his face still contorted into his best attempt of a scowl.

    “My opinion is plenty factual, my guy.” Josh plugged the string of twinkle lights in and the room lit up with a soft, golden glow. “You’re just in denial.”

    “Am not.” Tyler stuck his tongue out. “You’re the one who said he wanted a sugar daddy.”

    “I’m just saying that I wouldn’t mind engaging in sexual activities with a slightly older partner if it meant he would treat me to fancy dates and buy me expensive things.” Josh clarified, looking defensive. “But, again, in this situation, you. would. not. top. me.”

    Tyler bit his tongue to keep himself from saying anything stupid and dropped the subject- albeit one he thought about sometimes in the dead of night. _But it’s not like that._ Josh was acting sort of weird: always looking at him like he knew something that Tyler didn’t. He would wait until Tyler looked back at him, smirk, then look away: his voice aloof and flighty when Tyler would inquire about it. Josh was weird. That’s all she wrote.

    “It’s starting to get itchy,” Josh whined, plucking a pencil off the headboard and shoving it into his hair to scratch at his scalp. “I’m gonna wash it out.”

    Josh disappeared and Tyler heard the bath faucet running. Tyler snuggled into Josh’s pillows, pulling one of his softer blankets up to his face and nuzzling and inhaling deeply through his nose. The scent the blankets carried was heady and masculine- a comforting mixture of Old Spice and Josh. To Tyler, his entire room smelled nice and he wished that he could turn it into a candle.

    “Hey, when we’re done with the red do you want to go walk around in the woods? I found a tree house when I was out yesterday.” Josh offered, returning to the room with a towel around his shoulders. His hair was bright blond now, tousled and curly on top of his head. Tyler nodded, and pushed himself off the bed.

    “You want me to do the red for you?” He offered, leaning against the counter as Josh opened the little bottle of syrupy red dye. The blond grinned and stuck one finger in the dye, smiling even wider when he smeared it over his opposite hand.

    “It’s red.” He mused, showing Tyler- who sighed.

    “Dammit, Josh, you’re supposed to wear gloves.” Tyler grumbled, slipping the baggy plastic gloves back on. He took the bottle back from Josh and carefully rubbed the red dye into his hair, trying his best to keep it off his skin. In the end, it didn’t take the entire bottle to dye Josh’s hair, but it took a rather long time to wash out once it set.

    “Tyler!” Josh squealed and tried to pull away from the arctic spray of the water. Bitter, freezing drops of water rolled down his spine and made him shudder. “It’s so cold!”

    “I’m trying, stop moving!” Tyler cackled and held the shower head to the nape of Josh’s neck so it sprayed upward through his hair. The water that ran out of his was dark red, as if it was nothing but concentrated dye. Tyler ran his hand through Josh’s raspberry red hair, gently trying to massage the dye off his scalp to no avail.

    “You wanna try to put more shampoo in it? See if it helps?” Josh asked after shifting to sit against the wall of the tub, back bent backwards over the edge. Tyler hummed and popped the cap of the pink shampoo bottle open, squirting more than was probably necessary into his palm before scrubbing it into Josh’s vibrant hair. The bubbles were thick, dense, and bright pink. It felt like it took hours to wash out, and finally, the water was no longer running red, but a pale salmon color.

    “Let’s just call it good enough.” Josh groaned and tried to stretch his back, even though his position compromised that. “My back hurts.”

    “Copy,” Tyler nodded and cranked the faucet off, stepping over the edge of the bath onto the floor mat. “I’ll go get you a towel.”

    “Get a dark one!” Josh called over his shoulder. “I don’t want my mom to get pissed at me for staining one of her good ones!”

    Tyler nodded and looked into the linen closet, scanning for a one that wouldn’t show the dye. He plucked one of the dark towels off the shelf and returned to Josh, unfolding the terrycloth so he could drape it over Josh’s shoulders. He helped the older boy dry briefly, but the pair opted to blow dry instead. Tyler couldn’t help but notice that whenever he touched the other boy’s scalp, Josh leaned into the touch and closed his eyes. He carefully ran a brush through the newly dyed hair, using the blow dryer so that it made Josh’s hair fluff upward like a mohawk.

    “You look like a bird,” Tyler teased, running his hand through Josh’s hair again. “Your hair is still so soft, what the hell- I was so afraid the bleach would kill it.”

    “It’s that hardy Japanese hair.” The redhead snickered and flipped his hair. “Be jealous.”

    “L’Oéral, because you’re worth it.” Tyler giggled, catching Josh’s eye for another one of the awkward moments they’d been having all afternoon. After a moment, Tyler broke away first, glancing down at his feet - veiny and tanned against the white tile. When he glanced up again, Josh was still looking at him, a playful smirk on his lips. Tyler felt his stomach twist and he had to fight to not let it show. It was something between being punched by the Incredible Hulk and butterflies, and it wasn’t the first time today he’d felt like that when Josh looked at him. It was something in his eyes, Tyler was sure of it.

    “Why’re you looking at me like that?” The brunet squinted at his friend, letting his eyebrows furrow. He glanced into the mirror behind Josh, quickly looking to see if he had anything on his face.

    “Just looking.” Josh mused, his mocha brown eyes now avoiding Tyler’s as he hopped off the counter and padded into his room once more. “Want to go find the tree house before it gets too late?” his face lit up suddenly, as if he was just struck by a great idea. “You can bring your ukulele! It’ll be like some mad hippie shit, we can have like a drum circle…"

    Joshua kept talking, prattling on and on about the things they could do in the woods. He was busily bumbling about his room, filling a drawstring backpack with random items. _Portable phone charger, flashlight, Bluetooth speaker, a rather vicious looking pocket knife, a silver Swiss Army_ _knife_ (what they would need that for, Tyler didn’t have a clue), _water bottles, a first-aid kit…_ When Josh started to pack away a belt, a lighter, and a garbage bag, Tyler started to get suspicious.

    “What’s all that for? Why do you need a belt?” Tyler hummed, pulling one of Josh’s blankets up to his chest and burying his face in it.

    “‘Cause like, what if you fall out of the tree and break your arm? It’ll give me something to bind the break with, monkey boy. I know what I’m doing. I went to Bear Grylls survival camp last summer, I know my shit.” Josh explained, intent on fitting as many things as he could into the bag that looked as if it had seen better days.

    “No you didn’t, liar, shut up. All you did was sit on the couch and watch every episode of _Man vs. Wild_ last summer.” Tyler snarked and chewed his lip.

    “I wouldn’t have to bring it if you didn’t have such an obsession with climbing trees.” Josh tsked, fitting a red snapback over his hair with practiced accuracy. Josh nodded to himself in the mirror before slinging the abused backpack over his shoulders, bouncing on the balls of his feet as he faced Tyler. “Y’ready?”

    Tyler nodded and pushed himself off the squashy, twin sized mattress and grabbed Josh’s hand so the older boy could pull him through the house. Josh lead him down the stairs, out the front door, down the front porch stairs, and across the yard. They crossed the neighboring yard, and Tyler was hit with a sudden wave of paranoia. _What if someone’s watching us? What if they come to get us? We’d be goners. Josh has a knife, sure, but what can he do? He was intuitive and thoughtful, but under pressure… Josh wasn’t the sharpest. What if we run into someone in the woods? Would they yell at us to leave? This isn’t Josh’s property, but he’s still walking around like he owns the place… What if I get poison ivy? I’d have to tell my mom what happened, she’d want to know why we were traipsing around the woods in the first place…_

    “Earth to Tyler?” Josh asked, plucking a small, white flower off its stem. He tucked it into Tyler’s shirt pocket.

    “What?” Tyler bit his lip against the butterflies in his stomach, trying to distract himself from the warm, fuzzy feeling he got when Josh looked at him.

    “Nothin’. You just seemed zoned out, is all.” Josh hummed, hopping off the small ledge that Tyler now stood just before. It looked a lot steeper than it probably was, but Tyler was still worried about taking the jump.

    “I’ve got you. Take my hand.” The red-haired teen murmured, his low voice soft as he lifted his arms up to steady Tyler. The younger boy grabbed at Josh’s strong arms, propped his heel against the very edge of one of the lower bricks on the short wall, and let Josh guide him down. Before he could even process what was happening, Josh was tucking another flower into Tyler’s pocket. The taller boy gave a wide, toothy grin and wrinkled his nose in one of the purest displays of happiness Tyler had ever seen.

    The two boys picked their way along the deer path, gingerly stepping over the gnarled roots that criss-crossed their path. Josh walked confidently through the plants with his arms outstretched to touch the leaves; his red mohawked head tipped back to gaze up at the trees and their thick branches.

    “Dude, are we hiking?” Tyler piped up and pulled the strap of his ukulele case closer to his chest. His mother wouldn’t like him being out in the woods. His mother wouldn’t like him running around outside without a parent- and especially not where Josh lived. Mrs. Joseph thought nature was dirty, that wild plants shouldn’t be touched or brought inside. Tyler wasn’t sure if he totally agreed, but Josh plucking all sorts of wild flowers and berries was making him nervous.

    “I think so,” Josh hummed and jumped off the rock he had hopped onto.

    “Sick.” The brunet mumbled off-handedly, digging the toe of his shoe into the layer of leaf mold that covered the dirt path they followed.

    “So sick!” Joshua agreed and threw his head down in what could have been either a single headbang or a nod. “We’re almost there, you can see it if you look.”

    Tyler looked up into the canopy, searching for something that resembled a tree house. His eye caught the bottom corner, and as the pair continued to walk, Tyler could see more and more of the little shack. It wasn’t much, and it looked rather small from the outside. The outer walls weren’t painted, but the bare plywood was beginning to turn a mossy green in some places. The roof was slanted and the windows weren’t perfectly square, but it looked like loads of fun. Some of the ladder pieces were broken or missing, but there was still enough in tact to climb up safely.

    “Voila!” Josh threw his arms up dramatically, the red poof on top of his head swishing. “I didn’t go inside, but I climbed up and it was pretty safe looking.”

    “How can you tell?” Tyler bit his lip and pushed on one of the wooden blocks nailed to the trunk of the oak tree.

    “Son of a carpenter,” Josh pointed his thumbs at himself. “Just like Jesus.”

    “Oh, shut up.” Tyler huffed and rolled his eyes at Josh.

    “You look nervous.” Josh pointed out, propping one foot up on the lowest ladder piece. “Do you want me to climb up first?”

    “Uh, yeah sure.” Tyler avoided meeting Josh’s gaze and studied one of the nearby trees. Someone had spray painted “OK OK OK” on the trunk in yellow, orange, and red. No, wait, it wasn’t a tree, it was an old telephone pole. He started to wonder why someone would do something so ominous, but shook his head to clear those thoughts. Josh was already up the ladder, his Vans perched precariously on the very edge of the highest step. His torso had disappeared through the floor of the tree house, and after a moment he was totally gone. A shower of dead leaves, sticks, feathers, and faded plastic containers came raining down out of the hole in the bottom of the house.

    “All clean!” Joshua chirped, sticking his head out of the hole to see Tyler. “You can climb up now, watch out for the third step- it’s kind of wobbly.”

    Tyler swallowed against the lump in his throat and started pulling himself up the makeshift ladder. Everything was pretty sturdy it seemed, but the wood felt wet under his hands. Everything smelled like rich earth and river water, and it wasn’t necessarily unpleasant, just a bit muggy. The climb up wasn’t too bad, and it was easy to pull himself into the tree house, but he wondered if a certain red-headed someone with a fear of heights was feeling the same.

    “You okay?” Tyler asked, watching as Josh peeked out the window.

    “Yeah, I’m good, I was just looking to see if there were bees’ nests.” The older boy sat back against the wall of the little house.

    “I thought you were afraid of heights?” Tyler prompted, shooing a gnat away from his face.

    “I am, but this is different.” Josh looked as if he suddenly remembered his backpack, and shrugged it off. “I brought snacks!”

    He opened the drawstring bag, fishing through all his wilderness supplies and producing two boxes of _Glico_ brand “Pocky.” He handed one to Tyler before opening his own box, tearing the bag, and bringing the package up to his nose before inhaling deeply. “So good.”

    Tyler opened his own box and pulled out one of the chocolate snacks, nipping the end off while Josh watched him. “What? Why are you looking at me?”

    “No reason. You’re just,” he hesitated and played with the ends of the sticks in the box. “You’re like, so careful. It’s great- it’s like, you’re like a little bunny or something. You’re adorable-”

    “Am not.” Tyler grumbled indignantly. He glared up at the red haired boy, who was grinning back at him.

    “You totally are.” He mused, placing the chocolate-bare end of one of his Pocky sticks between his teeth and snapping it off. “Have you- have you heard of the Pocky game?”

    “No?” Tyler cocked his head and furrowed his brows. What was it, like pick up sticks? “What’s that?”

    “Okay, okay, okay,” Josh hurriedly sat up on his knees, his eyes suddenly brighter in the dim light. “It’s a game where you need to try to bite the Pocky as close to the other person’s face as possible.”

    “Oh!” Tyler perked up. He figured that would be easy enough, and the Pocky was really good! He could probably win, his non-existent gag reflex would give him the advantage.    

“ _But,_ ” The other teen continued. “The other end of the Pocky stick is in the other person’s mouth.”

    Tyler’s mind screeched to a halt- all thoughts of strategy and planning forgotten. He looked up at Josh’s face, where his lips were curled up into a sly, catlike smile with the chocolate treat pinched between his teeth.

    “Okay.” The brunet nodded. _I’m not going to lose. He won’t kiss me- he’s straight. I won’t get that close, he’ll be the one to break it off._ Tyler’s mind had switched gears from static to competition mode, and Josh was going to lose. “You’re going down.”

    Josh snorted and shuffled closer to straddle one of Tyler’s thighs, allowing them to get closer. The red head’s smirk was unwavering as he pointed the chocolate covered end of the stick toward Tyler’s lips, gently prodding him with it until Tyler took it into his mouth.

    Josh inched closer, his hooded eyes seemingly darker now. Tyler could feel the warmth of Josh’s breath on his cheek and the expanse of his chest almost against his own. He didn’t quite see it, but he could feel one of Josh’s hands on the floorboard by his hip, the other lost somewhere against the wall behind Tyler’s head.

    Tyler took an inch or so of the cookie into his mouth, a warm twisting sort of tickle pulling at his stomach. He looked Josh in the eye with what he hoped came off as a teasing glare, but he wasn’t sure. He vaguely heard a muffled crunch, and it just then occurred to him how close they really were. Josh’s nose was almost brushing Tyler’s cheek and he could feel the red spray of Josh’s hair against his forehead. Neither of them were moving and the half inch of chocolate between their lips was beginning to melt. Tyler was about to break it off, eyes quickly scanning over Josh’s face for any sign of regret or discontent, but found none. Only dark, unreadable, espresso brown pools he could get lost in.

    And suddenly, Josh’s lips were pressed against Tyler’s.

    And Tyler’s back was pressed flush against the wall.

    And Josh’s chest was pressed against Tyler’s.

    And they were kissing.

    It only lasted a few moments, and when they broke apart it was Josh that made the first move. Tyler blinked his eyes open, not having realized he had even shut them, and tried to focus on Josh, who was sitting before him with wide eyes and cookie crumbs on his lips.

    “I- I’m sorry- I should have asked. Oh, God, I’m so, _so_ sorry-” Josh stuttered, backing away slowly.

    “Do that again.” Tyler whispered, blinking slowly as he pushed himself up into a more comfortable sitting position. He swallowed against the melted, soggy biscuit treat in his mouth before he glanced at Josh briefly, who still looked as if he’d seen a ghost. 

    “Y-... you want me to- to…” He trailed off, his brows furrowed in confusion.

    “Kiss me again.” Tyler nodded slightly, looking up at the other teen. He couldn't believe the words coming out of his own mouth, but he wanted it to happen. He wanted Josh to kiss him so many times. “It wasn’t… You don’t have to if you don’t want to, but… if you do, I mean-” Tyler could feel his face heating up the more Josh studied him intently “I- I d- don’t think I- I would be opposed-”

    Josh approached him slowly again, swiping the back of his hand across his mouth to rid his lips of cookie crumbs and melted chocolate. His movements were careful now, and each time Josh anxiously met Tyler’s eyes it felt more and more intimate. The redhead carefully hovered over one of Tyler’s thighs, though he was much closer this time; with his left knee pressed against Tyler’s hip, and Tyler could feel one of his hands against the wall next to his head while the other was invisible to Tyler until he felt Josh’s knuckle against his chin to angle his head up.

    The second kiss was more practiced: their lips staggered so that it was more like an actual kiss than the childish mess you’d see on a Hallmark card around Valentine’s Day. Josh broke it briefly, letting them both get a mouthful of air, kissing the corner of Tyler’s mouth before pulling away. Tyler hadn’t registered it at first, but he felt a sigh escape his lips when Josh moved away.

    They sat in silence for a few minutes, trying to breathe normally and wrap their heads around what had just happened. Neither of them moved until Josh moved his hand off the wall from beside Tyler’s head and moved it to his shoulder, scratching his fingers through the short hairs at the nape of Tyler’s neck before returning it to rest gently against his lap.

    “I-” Josh croaked, clearing his throat before starting again and looking up at Tyler. “I think I might be gay.”

_Oh._


End file.
